Sunday, March 25, 2018

An Update of Sort

Hello Blogland.

Its been so long since I have had a moment to even think about this blog. So much has happened. We added life,  we lost life, the cycle of life has been very present at our house over the last couple of years.

I know we have blogged since we had our latest addition. She is such a ray of sunshine, we all feel so blessed to have her in our life. DH is doing well. He was laid off a couple times last year, but bounced back up.
My mom however, was diagnosed with cancer just after we had DD3 (Dear Daughter 3), uncurable. She passed away 8.5 months later.
Its been so hard to learn to live without a mother. So hard. I look around the people in my life, and it turns out, I am actually pretty alone in not having parents anymore. Most people (like DH who still has both his parents, and they are still together) don't want to even think about losing a parent and therefore never talk about it. Like my loss, something so present on my mind.
I have chalked it up to part of growing up on my part.

All this hasn't left any time or headspace for bedroom play. And yet, we are doing well, DH and I. The state of our Union is strong, and I think its because the basic ground rules we lay down while exploring ttwd are still in place and being followed. By both of us. It taught us to be together better, understand the other better, but also leave your ego at the door because in the end, you just want to figure out how to be together. Right?

I am not even sure if anybody who cares about us still reads here, but there it is. An update. On life.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Feels like the end

Hi, DH here!  Thanks all for your kind comments on my last post - I do feel better, even though our situation is objectively worse than it was lol.  Now I'm unemployed (massive layoff at the old music factory), Oma is living with us, and I'm spending just about all of my time looking for a job.   At times, I feel like I'm underwater, running in nightmare-slow-motion, pushing against the current of... everything.  The world seems ever sharper, meaner, and more dangerous.  This morning on the local news, there was a shooting at a shooting vigil that killed a man.  Holy crap!  Don't go to vigils.  Don't go where there are large concentrations of people.

Don't go outside.

About a month ago, our older girls participated in the year-end dance recital (show) their school does every year.  If you're not a dance parent, it's hard to imagine: This is a real show, with the students (and some professionals) performing ballet, jazz, modern, and tap (Julia's favorite).  Costumes, makeup, lights, professional venue, etc.  The timing worked out so that I went to the younger's show with her older sister, and then I drove them home in my car.  No problem!  I'm a good driver.*  Things were fine until I got to the highway that runs to our house.  We followed a drunk driver who literally drove into a ditch in front of us, corrected, and then somehow turned off the road without killing anyone.  Whew, I thought.

Too soon.

The next car ahead was driven by someone even more drunker!  I know, hard to believe, but as we followed this one, it seemed obvious that he was headed for serious trouble.  He couldn't keep the car on the road, and kept veering to the right, as if the shoulder was another lane.  I stayed well back, in case he decided to swerve left and incite a head-on with a truck in the oncoming lane.  I fumbled for my phone in the dark, weighing the possibility of getting a $612 ticket with saving lives, when he seemed to straighten up: The car moved into the right-hand turn lane at our neighborhood... church? up ahead, and he was leaving the highway.  Yay!  I sped up (he had been going 30 in a 45 MPH zone).

Too soon.

There have been a number of times in my life where I know I've had a supernatural experience.  Usually, it's in the heat of a life-or-death moment, and usually the decision I make is too quick to analyze, and yet somehow, correct.  This was like that.  At the last possible moment, as I drew alongside, The Drunk decided he didn't want to go to Church after all, and cut back over into the lane I was driving in.  No looking, no pause, just swerve left.  I didn't see it happen.  I couldn't, as I was looking forward at the time.  I guess a scientist would say I must have caught some movement (in the dark) from the corner of my eye.  And without even realizing I had done it, my car was across the center line, leaving tire tread we could see the next day, as I stopped perfectly parked facing oncoming traffic.  I think if there had been a car coming, I could have dodged even a little more left, and missed that too.

And now I know how drunks cause horrific accidents.

The girls and I sat utterly shaken in our seats.  My insurance agent didn't magically appear and say, "Wow, you just saved lives AND money!"  The Drunk didn't wreck his car and get in trouble.   My reward was to drive us back into our lane, and home.  In actuality, this is pretty routine for me.  I avoid a LOT of accidents, some of which could have been pretty bad.  Usually the thanks I get is road rage**.

What matters anymore?  Can I get drunk too and go to Church?  Can I carry a gun and just shoot those A-holes in the face?  How do you explain what happened (or what is happening in the world) to your beautiful daughters?

So, this feels like the end, a little.  I'm going to follow Julia into the dark (of not blogging here).  I've steered clear of a topic that is very important to me: Global warming, and how we humans might do something about it, like right now.  I don't know if you share my passion, but this is where I'm going to be hanging out on a regular basis.  Who knows?  Maybe we can save our biosphere.  Could happen!

Peace, love, and best wishes to you all, thank you so much for sharing our journey.  I can't say we're done, because it's Julia's Personal Thinking Spot after all, so until we blog again...  <3

*I've never had an accident that was my fault.
**I'm pretty fucking sick of it.


Wednesday, March 1, 2017

March

Hi, DH here!  I hope everyone is having a good March so far!  My start has been a little bumpy, but a start nonetheless.  This month is hard for me, rooted in memories that seem like a lifetime ago.  Objectively, everything is going really well: Just got promoted to Technical Lead, all of our kids are doing fine (especially the baby), and Julia and I are communicating, even though we're not having sex. 

But I'm tired.  And cold.  And broke.

And there doesn't seem like there is an end in sight. 

Well, I guess the weather will warm up eventually, but in our area that's never guaranteed to be beach weather.  For me, the real issue is feeling like I have nothing to look forward to.  Julia and I have talked about going to Hawaii for Christmas this year, but we've already gone to Kawaii broke, which wasn't very fun.  At 52, I feel like my best years for making (and saving) money are long behind ne.  I recently found Forex trading, only to learn that copy trading (following another investor and copying his actual trades into your account) is illegal in the United States.  Yay.  I don't have enough time in my life to become an actual trader, so it seems likely that I won't be doing this.

Why would I want to?  Because we are paying close to 1,000 a month for our school loans.  Trading?  I wish.  Although I have to admit, my thoughts on making (taking) money run a little dark. 

Oh well.  No sex in this post heh, maybe the next.  😊