Monday, April 30, 2012

My own set of expectations, Please!

My husband was married before we got married. Obviously their marriage did not work out. I think partly because he can be very passive aggressive ( I can imagine him mentally checking out), and apparently she was very lazy. She stayed home with the kids, never cleaned anything, never cooked dinner, and just watching TV all day, while he was working at least two jobs. I know from personal experience of walking into her home, that she is dirty. She lives dirty, and her house stinks. She also spent all his money, all the time. She never paid any bills on time, and managed to bounce more checks than not.

Well last week, it hit me! I want my own set of expectations from my husband please! I don't want to measure up to her expectations anymore. At the beginning of our marriage, it was all about doing it better than her to please and impress him. Like making sure dinner is on the table at the same time every week. He has clothes to wear to work.....

Well, I realized last week, that I surpassed her expectations years ago! I want my own expectations! He knows me, my cooking, what I am capable of, and my desire to please him. So I told him I want higher standards, and I want him to ask for higher standards for us. Why did this never occur to me before? I have no clue. All I know is that I want him to want more for us. And to enforce these raised expectations.

After some discussion about his, we have come up with a few more rules. Love that! I love having expectations from him that I want to meet. The kitchen now has to be clean all the time, as well as vacuuming once a day. Doesn’t sound like much I am sure, but just the fact that I know he is paying attention to this more now than he used to, makes me feel all warm and content (which could also be from our maintenance last night....)!

Saturday, April 28, 2012

How did we get here?


My husband read my last blog post and told me that I left off at the best part. He told me even he wanted to know what happened next. He is such a funny guy, and will do a lot to get somebody to laugh. Which is really cute! (No clue if I am going to get in trouble for calling him cute, I mean it in a nice way, not in a de-maning way or anything like that….)  I love that about him. His sense of humor is just so contagious. That was one of the first things I loved about him. When I was still the Au-Pair and I didn’t speak much English yet, we were sitting at his kitchen table, discussing the rules (I just realized that we had rules from the start. Wow) of being an Au-Pair.

 1.  Don’t go through the house in my underwear. (Right, as if I would do that in a strangers house)

       2. Don’t shake the baby! (I had a three day seminar prior to flying out to the 'host family' and that was the bottom line of the Au-Pair seminar)(And plus, there was no baby...)

       3.  And DH is reminding me that I had to follow a schedule, but honestly I  have no idea what he is talking about….

Once we were married and living our lives, not much happened that I need to mention here. Things started changing when he was laid off. He was laid off and unemployed for a while. The Economy crashed. He started changing. Was less cheerful, his sense of humor turned into a sarcastic and snarky something, but was not even close to what it was before. Unemployment  cost him his confidence in himself. It has been taking him a while to find himself again, during his depression, I was his lifeline. When something was overwhelming him, he called me. When he was happy he called me, when he was pissed off, he called me. After a while I felt like I was propping him up.

Once I started researching depression, I quickly found out what was wrong. Depression. Bingo! That was it. After much asking, he went and saw my doctor . This really was a groundbreaking, life-changing experience. Amazing! 

Shortly after starting his meds, I found the taken in hand site, and suggested it. 
It has been a journey. A very slow journey. Which is good, I guess, better than jumping into it headfirst, without really considering the consequences. DH says that there is no going back to 'normal' because this feels right, but at the same time, he wants to make sure that we don't hurt each other, ruin our marriage, because what we already have is very precious. And I agree! Plus, I suggested this. I suggested he become the leader in this marriage, therefore I am following. He gets my two cents, but in the end, I want him to make the decisions. So I am sitting back, letting him steer and drive.

As to spanking, DH spanks me, fairly regularly lately. I think mostly to stay connected, to remind each other of our roles in this relationship. He is very careful though not to hurt me. At the beginning it was so frustrating when he wouldn't do it enough. Isn't that weird? I would have never thought that it could be frustrating to not get spanked enough, and I didn't want to correct him. I wanted to do the submissive thing, be submissive and not tell him what to do and how to do it. Let him lead. This is hard though at times, isn't it?

He figured out though how far he can go to achieve the right strengths and persistence for a re-connection spanking, an erotic spanking, and even a spanking when he is mad at me. We have not had a need for a punishment spanking....

And as a little something, I am thinking I will post a video of whatever I was listening to while writing...Anyone know this one? Love it!

Friday, April 27, 2012

From Au-Pair to married to the Host Dad

Who are we? Well there is my husband, I will call him DH, my two daughters, and there is me.

When I was 15 years old, I lived in Germany. I am a German citizen, living in the US, but back to the story, when I was 15 years old, my first big love left for an exchange program and went to Chicago for one school year. He broke my heart that summer. He really did. I loved him with everything that I had, and he left anyway, without thinking about it. At first, we sent letters back and forth, and once I even called him, but all that didn't work, and he broke up with me while he was still in the US. This changed my life however. His decision changed me, and I realized that if he could do it, I could do it too! I decided to spend at least one year in America.

I grew up with my two sisters and my mom. No dad around, at least nothing noteworthy. My mother couldn't afford a high school exchange program and therefore I set my caps on becoming an Au-Pair when I was done with my school. And that is what I did.At that point, my mother had a boyfriend who had just moved in with us. Life as I knew it was over. Things started to change around the house. My mom changed, my sisters had moved out, and I was all alone with them. I felt like an intruder in my own home. And worst of all was the fact that my mother listened to him more than she did to me. He liked the idea of me going to America but at the same time, he wanted me to have something lined up for when I returned. A job, a plan for my future, anything that wouldn't mean I would come back to live with them I think.

But I had a feeling that I didn't need to worry about it. I was going to America to be an Au-Pair and I knew I didn't have to worry about my future in Germany. And as it turned out, I can trust myself, my feelings, my intuition.
I got a call from a man in the Washington state looking for an Au-Pair. He was divorced, 37 years old, and living alone with his two kids. When I told my mom about this host family, she immediately warned me about marrying an older man. I was so embarrassed. Jeez! But when I met DH, he was the funniest, loneliest, and saddest person I had ever met. I wanted to take care of him, help him, and be with him. And I did. 
His children are grown-up now, and we have our own. Kind of weird looking back at it like this. It doesn’t seem that long ago that I met him and his children at the airport, but at the same time, it seems like a lifetime or two ago! We have moved twice, he went through layoffs and unemployment, we have two children together, his children moved out of our home and into their mothers, we both went back to school, he suffered from depression, he finished school, and I wore the pants in the relationship.

And this is really were my blog comes in. I was tired of wearing the pants in our relationship. I was tired of making decisions for everybody, and started to look around on the internet. I was longing for a strong leader in our marriage, in our house, and I knew that I didn't want to be that leader. It didn't feel natural. And just like many other people, I found the taken in hand website. The idea of a man leading in the marriage was just so fascinating to me, and the more I read about women bringing this up to their husbands and them being all for it, the more I thought, maybe DH would go for this. I told him that night after some good love making. The light was out, and he was speechless. I think he wasn't sure if I was joking or not. The more we talked, the more he got turned on. We made love again, and talked about TiH for days and weeks before actually doing anything. It was sooo frustrating!

Thursday, April 26, 2012

First post.

I have been thinking about starting my own blog, but I have been struggling with the thought that, for one, I don’t think I am that interesting, and two, I don’t really want to give away too much personal stuff on the internet for anyone to see. 


I love reading blogs, I love reading more about people, see how they tick, and why they do the things they do. I do comment on some posts, but noticed that a lot of times, I start talking about myself more than about the other person’s blog post, and I didn’t think that was really fair.
So, I am giving this a shot!