Saturday, June 30, 2012

The kind of homework I have to do for my current class.

Since I don't have time for a real post (and nothing juicy has happened, sad I know, trust me I am missing it), I am going to post my homework I had to do on a popular book for my pop culture class. Enjoy!
Got a 100% on it!

Popular Literature: “Fifty Shades of Grey”
Popular culture, often referred to as pop culture, describes the tastes and lifestyle of the majority of a group of people, such as young adults. Popular bands, movies, actors, and books can be part of pop culture. Generally, pop culture is mainstream and tries to cater to as many people as possible. Therefore the product is often quite generic and chaste. However, the most recent book to join pop culture in the United States is quite the opposite. “Fifty Shades of Grey” is pushing boundaries with its explicit, sexual relationship between the two main characters as they experiment with a lifestyle that typically been classified as taboo.
Overview of the Book
“Fifty Shades of Grey” is about a young, innocent woman, Anastasia, who meets a rich man, Christian. The two main characters enter into a type of BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism) relationship: He is the dominant, and she is the submissive in the relationship. Anastasia has never participated in such a relationship, and only does it because she is deeply in love with Christian. He is a successful CEO of his own company, is caring, companionate, and consumed by the need to be the one in control. He refuses to have any other kind of relationship.
The Author
E L James, the author of this book as well as the two other ones in the trilogy, is a television executive, mother, and wife. She lives in London, England, and started writing the story of Anastasia and Christian as “Twilight” fan-fiction that could be read free on the Internet. This is her first published novel.

Erotica Genre
            “Fifty Shades of Grey” is a typical novel categorized as erotica. It is more than simply a romance novel because it describes, in detail, the sex scenes between the two main characters, whereas romance novels are generally more tame, and leave more to the imagination to the reader. According to the (2012), “erotica is literature or art intended to arouse sexual desire” (p. 1, para. 1). Erotica literature is more than pornography because it delves deeper into the story as well as the characters. Erotica can be very emotional, and does not shy away from topics generally not spoken of in public. “Fifty Shades of Grey” does the same. In the first book, the reader gets a glimpse of why Christian, the main character, is the way he is, although the entire background is a slow reveal, spanning all three books of the trilogy.
Cultural Significance
            E L James released this book in spring 2011. Since, it has gone on to become the fastest selling paperback book since “Harry Potter”. “Fifty Shades of Grey” was first published as an eBook, but the popularity of the trilogy lead to the publisher printing actual paperbacks that can be found in any store that sells books.
            “Fifty Shades of Grey” has a steady fan base that advertised the story among each other, which is how I found it a year ago. The Internet has enable people to share their thoughts and opinions on many things, including “Fifty Shades of Grey”, leading to the tremendous popularity of the book. The trilogy is economically successful as well, topping the combined print and e-book fiction list and the paperback trade fiction list of the New York Times (NY Times, 2012).
            E L James lives in Great Britain and is English. Her writing style gives this away, using typical English words instead of the American word. This is slightly annoying because the book takes place in the Seattle area, and living here, I know that nobody calls “Interstate 5” the motorway. However, the significance of the trilogy lies within what it has done for women across the world. It has enable women to be who they want to be, to express their desires more freely, and experience for themselves what they never knew they wanted. Many couples read these books together, resulting in better communication between husbands and wives.
            The novel reinforces the view the public has of the BDSM lifestyle. A person who is interested in this type of sexual play or even relationship, must have experienced some horrible event in his or her life, making him or her crave to be either submissive or dominant. Furthermore, these novels insinuate that once the person has undergone therapy and the horrible event has been dealt with, he or she no longer craves this type of sexual play.
            “Fifty Shades of Grey” has expanded pop culture’s idea of what is acceptable between two consenting adults in a sexual relationship successfully. Anastasia is a young, innocent college student who falls in love with Christian, a young, successful, and rich man. Christian survived a traumatic childhood and still bears scars, resulting in his need to be in control in all aspects of his life, including his relationship with Anastasia. The author E L James started writing this story, her first book, as fan fiction based on the popular “Twilight” book series by Stephenie Meyer. Unlike the romance genre, 50 Shades of Grey is a typical erotica novel that illustrates the sexual relationship between the main characters. Even though the book was first available only as an eBook, it is available in many stores across the country and has been on the New York Times bestseller list for numerous weeks. Fifty Shades of Grey has a growing fan base that advocates and advertises the book series to a growing number of fans across the nation and the rights to the movie adaptation have been sold recently. The coming movie franchise further proves the jump of this topic into mainstream American popular culture.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The WoodShed

Our house is so full at the moment.  Not only is my mom still here (and we are having a wonderful time), our friends moved in over the weekend. He can’t find work, couldn’t pay his rent, and had to move out. So now we are eight people in here, four dogs. It’s a lot of people to live together in my opinion. But DH and I like to put our money where our mouths are, as it were, and help as best as we can. We have been in the position of not having money before and appreciated any help people were willing and able to give. So we are going to be hosting a circus in our house for at least one more month.

TTWD has definitely taken a step back, which is sad. I miss being able to do whatever we want in our own house, or even just having a bathroom to use in the morning. I miss feeling his presence over me, as only ttwd can do it. In the evening, DH sits with his friend in our bedroom (his new office) and they just hang out. We have been able to just sit in our bedroom alone too though. Which is really nice. We never hung out in our bedroom before, I mean we watch TV in here, and have sex and sleep, but that is about it. This circus though forced us to condense our lives into smaller quarters. One of the things I enjoy about having the circus in our house, is me sitting at DH’s feet when he is in the recliner. This is a nice way to submit to him, hear about his day, just talk.
Monday night, we did just that. After everybody was finally doing their own thing, we were in our bedroom, talking, enjoying the silence.

“Let’s go out in the woodshed. Now.  Let me just grab the leather paddle.”
At this point, warm, fuzzy feelings were tingling in my stomach, flowing down to my privates. Mhhh. Finally!
“Okay.” And I followed him very willingly.
Once in the woodshed, he was going to try and work out first (we work out out there), but I was pretty horny at that point, and kept pulling down his pants to put him in my mouth. God I missed that! DH, more than willingly, skipped the workout.
I gave him one hell of a great bj, if I do say so myself, but just before he could cum, he pulled out.
“Turn around, put your hands on the desk. Don’t move. Don’t stand up. I am going to warm you up, and then give you ten spanks with the leather paddle. If you stand up, or forget to count, I will double the swats.”
It took him a moment to figure out which side he had to stand on to be able to spank me properly, but he managed. Don’t they always? After a nice warm hand-spanking, he got out the paddle.
The first five were hard. I think he has never spanked me that hard before. I wasn’t about to stand up though. For some reason, they were perfect. It was such a perfect reflection of where we are at the moment. In the woodshed, a little hurried, just trying to do what we do.
I counted the swats, quietly, but I did.

The sixth swat though, was very soft. I think DH freaked himself out with how hard he was spanking me, and the last five spanks were too soft. Isn’t that silly to think that? But I didn’t say anything. Over the last two nights though, I have asked DH carefully (didn’t want to criticize), what was going on in his mind, and he confirmed that he freaked out a little, because it seemed too hard to him. (He always thinks of me giving birth to our daughter, because I stayed home until I was at 8 cm because I could still manage the pain, so in his mind, he thought I would have welts or something.)

On our way back through the yard into the house, I felt as if my ass was glowing the way for us, and I felt so content. DH kept patting my butt, making sure he hadn’t hurt me. Once inside our bedroom, we made wonderful love. Perfect night.
I did not have any marks, and honestly couldn’t even feel it the next day. I always like when I have a tender ass because it reminds me of him, but no luck!
Has your significant other ever done that? Freaked himself out like that?

Monday, June 25, 2012

Weird and fascinating.

Both Kitty and Conina just posted about search terms that bring people to their blogs. I hardly ever look at those, but these two posts made me very curious. So, after checking that my mother really is taking a nap from all our shopping, I found that "birthday spanking" has gotten the most hits. I find that pretty curious actually, but I guess whatever!

girl spanking

"birthday spanking"

otk paddle wood

"birthday spankings"

girl on girl spanking


good girl spanking

is a wide conair hair brush a good spanking implement?

spanked college coed

Not sure why anyone would find my blog by looking for girl on girl spanking because that just doesn't appeal to me at all, but whatever!

What is your weirdest search term?

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Vanilla life

It feels almost like our pre-ttwd life. Not in a bad way. I am not complaining. I wasn't sure I could just switch this desire off and be vanilla again, but apparently having your mother stay with you, is a catapult for the vanilla lifestyle. 
DH seems to feel very much the same. He does grab my ass whenever he gets the chance, but otherwise, seems to be okay to get our connection through other sources. For example, he is sitting next to me right now, just hanging out. (I think he thinks I am actually doing homework....)
Tonight is Sunday, my regular readers know that Sunday is maintenance day. He says we are going out to the woodshed tonight, but we have something else going on tonight that may change our whole evening. 

We will see. I will keep you up to date.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Spanking a college co-ed!

Thank you all for your comments! That was so sweet of you and made me remember to just relax and let things happen. As long as DH and I get a few minutes in here and there, and go to bed together, everything will be just fine!
DH took the day off today to be here with me, and take care of some things around the house before the mother-in-law arrives. He is so particular that way. I love it!

Getting to the title of the blog post now. DH has been sitting next to me here at my computer, reading over my shoulder while I was doing my homework for school. I go to school online, earning my BS in Health Care Admin. Very exciting stuff, although some classes are just too amusing to us, and so he sits with me and we make fun of my class mates spelling abilities. I know. I know. Very judgy, but trust me, sometimes you just have to laugh even if it is morally wrong.

DH is in a really good mood, and we just read one blog post of Conina together. Really hot stuff! DH started snorting, laughing, looking a little embarrassed.

"OMG, do you realize that you are a co-ed?"
Here I am, trying to remember what a co-ed is. Not having grown-up here, there are some things I still don't know what they mean, like co-ed. Something college related? Right?

"Um, and that means....."

He is still grinning from ear to ear.

"I want you to wear your entire outfit again tonight. When your mom is in bed. She will go to bed early because of her jet lag, and we will try out that loopy johnny look-alike."

After reading another post of Conina's, I had an idea with materials at hand. Duct tape and window screen rope. It is not pretty, like at all. But we have not tried it yet, and so we are both a little anxious and excited.

Not sure how much time I will have for blogging over the next two weeks, but I will be back!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012


I am sitting here. Wednesday Morning, my cup of coffee for the day in front of me, almost gone. My butt cheeks a little tender, I have to say. And not from last night, but yesterday morning. I was with DH in the office, and he just told me to turn around and bend over. Short smacks over the pants. Later, we were getting dressed in the bedroom, little one in the living room, and he sees me lowering my pants. I see the glint in his eyes, and lean over the edge of the bed. New position. Stretching my butt cheeks more, making it that much more effective. He only hand spanked me, but there shouldn't be an 'only' in that sentence. As I said, I can still feel it.
Found online at

My mother is coming tomorrow from Germany. I am excited! But also very anxious. My mom always makes me anxious. When I was younger, newly married to DH, I would even get really uncomfortable being in her home. Physically uncomfortable. Could have something to do with her then-husband, who was an inappropriate toucher, but I think it had more to do with her judging me, maybe? Maybe I thought she judged me for getting married at 18, and leaving the country. Could be. I don't know.

Our relationship is pretty established now though. She comes to visit at least once a year, stays for about two to three weeks, and we have a great time. She helps with cooking, laundry, and my yard. The kids, a little, not as much as I would like. She loves her granddaughters, but she always says "I have done my duty with you guys." Can't  really blame her for that. My moms husband killed himself a couple years back, he was an alcoholic. And she wasn't really that sad. She was and still is sad for the time she had with him when he wasn't drinking, but after he started, he never really stopped again. I have lived with an alcoholic and know the difficulties that come with it. I can't blame her for not missing him. When I was growing up, she had a few men, but mostly, she is a strong woman, who will rather do something herself than wait for a man to do it.
When DH was going through his depression, she would mentally shake her head at the things he would get pissed at. Don't get me wrong, some of the things DH did and said and felt while depressed, made me shake my head too, even roll my eyes. But I was still here for him. He is my husband, and I am here for him. The last time my mother saw us, DH was not taking any medication yet. He is a different person now. He is free, he is happy, more relaxed, and more balanced.
I guess I am a little anxious to see what she thinks, how she will react. Does that make sense?

Today is the last real day to get ready for her. I have to clean, change offices to make room. And of course, don't forget that doing ttwd might be tricky with her here. Our last guest from Germany stayed for three weeks, and it was at the beginning of our journey. DH pulled back, and I was left hanging. At least that is what it felt like. He was a little lost, couldn't reestablish our connection. Spanking has very quickly become a necessity for us. Even just the little ones help us come back together, connect us. And not just sexually. So I am a little worried.
On the other hand, DH has changed so much, and been such a rock for me lately, that I feel like I shouldn't even worry about it. I can rely on him to be here for me, no matter what.

And we do have a wood shed!

How do you guys deal with house guests and ttwd? Tips? Advice? Stories? Failures? Would love to hear anything to reassure me a little that doing ttwd is possible with somebody else in the house.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Spanking Implement Review # 5

Description:  Leather paddle

Intensity:     More intense than a thorough hand spanking, but not like a wooden implement.

Sound level:   I was surprised at how quiet it was.

Feeling during spanking:  Perfect. (Can I say that about getting a spanking?)

DH comment:   This will work!

Susie and Ashley both told me about leather paddles on one of my implement reviews. Honestly, leather kind of freaked me out. Leather seems to be such a BDSM thing. You know? Like kink factor infinity, and I was always shying away from that a little.  I know DH is not into that at all, and so leather implements were never really something we even thought about. 

But after reading how many of you guys have them, and the fact that it is not as harsh as wood, made me reconsider. So I browsed, and found one on eBay that I liked. It is fairly long, which surprised me. 

DH tried it out for the very first time in his office, me leaning over, and him spanking me with it over my pants. He was very careful, didn't want hurt me, and he wanted to get a 'feel' for it. 
"Tonight, I want you to wear your whole outfit. So after the kids are in bed, I want you to take a shower, and then put it on. Get the new paddle out and wait by the bed."

Grrr. That is almost like corner time for me. Although never had to do that, so I am sure corner time is even more humbling. So I went and took a shower, and then put on my outfit. My outfit is a short plaid skirt, white underwear, long white socks, black bra, white blouse, I am sure you get the idea..... This outfit has been perfected over the last few months, and I just got new stockings/long socks with a bow at the front. Very cute. I was feeling very cute at that point. Whenever DH sees me in this outfit, instant hard-on for him. He makes me feel so desired and sexy. I love it!

I waited for a few minutes at the bed, just standing there, thinking about the fact that I should really clean his nightstand. It was super dusty (cleaned it yesterday actually).

He came in the room, and just stood there, looking at me. He had me spin around.
"Lift your skirt."
I did, in the front, and not enough for him to see anything. I dropped it.
"Lift your skirt now."
I did it again, this time a little more. He was getting an idea of what panties I was wearing at this point, but not the whole view.
"Last warning, lift it now, or we will skip the leather and I am getting my favorite paddle out."
Okay, at this point, I lifted it all the way, and even spun around slowly. Jeez! I was just teasing.
He had me over his knees, and just lifted up my skirt again to expose my white panties. 
He hand spanked me for several minutes over the panties, then slid them down just below the spot where a spanking really, really hurts, and continued with his hands.
About twenty swats later, he grabbed the leather paddle, and started with it. 
I think he was still being pretty careful. I could have handled more, but the way he did it, it was just right. DH also likes to rub my bottom with implements, to give me a feel for it. Especially after, when my butt feels like a glow in the dark button, he likes to lay the cold implement on my cheeks, which always feels good, and is a nice way to end a spanking.

So, I like the leather paddle. I didn't bury it underneath all the other stuff we have in our newly appointed  kink box. (I did however, bury the wooden paddle underneath everything else....)

Monday, June 18, 2012

Recently purchased

Newest addition to our implement drawer. Although we don't have a drawer yet, but with the way we are trying out different things, we need to have a drawer or box!

Review to follow~!

Friday, June 15, 2012

Father's Day

June is DH's favorite month. When he was younger, several good things happened to him over the course of a few years, always on June 7th. His second child from previous marriage was born just minutes passed midnight on June 8th. He likes to think that his ex did it on purpose to spite him, but having gone through labor, I really don't think so. This year, June seems to be even bigger. His last child with his ex wife turned 18, and she graduated just last week. We are done paying child support for that one (we refer to her (ex wife) that way because we don't want to invoke her name...Harry Potter anyone?). A huge accomplishment for us. Plus this weekend is Father's Day, and June supposedly also means Summer will be here at some point.

Needless to say, DH had very high expectations about June, about paying off his ex wife, never seeing her again, or ever having to talk to her again. And honestly, he deserves to be done with her. To finally close that chapter of his life that so obviously was not good. Having to pay child support really didn't let him finish that chapter of his life. Now he can. I think he kind of realized that this morning, and is a little overwhelmed.

I think these feelings of being overwhelmed are still cling-ons from his depression. He would totally loose sight of everything, and I would have to talk him down, while he was sitting in his car at work. Today, was a little reminder of those times. He called me, and I talked him down. But while I was talking to him, I realized that he would probably spank me tonight. Not because I had done something, but because he will most likely need to reconnection and even assurance. And I am looking forward to it. I am excited! I love the fact that I can make him feel that way. I love that it is not just about me talking him down anymore, but that I can provide (or my ass) such a relief to him.

While I was talking to him, we talked some more about his exwife, who we, of course, saw at the graduation ceremony with her new husband. Not so new anymore, but I had never met him before. And I can't say I have met him now either. I mean, to some degree, we share a family. To some degree at least. And this guy didn't have the balls to step toward me or DH, stick out his hand and introduce himself. Making me realize, that, jeez, what a man. What kind of a man would do that? Well not an HoH. That is for sure. I am so lucky to have found DH, and not some guy who doesn't even have the balls to introduce himself to his stepchildren's father and stepmother.

You guys ever think that about people you meet? How relieved you are that you are not like them? That you can't even imagine being married to such a guy? I know I sound mean, but we have spend a lot of our money on that one, and have gotten a lot of crap from her that I am not going to get into.
It all boils down to: Ex-Wife! And we are done!

As a disclaimer, I don't have anything against people who are divorced and are ex-wives. It is just this one.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Spanking Implement Review # 4

Description:  Finished wooden hairbrush (Conair   Mega Ceramic Paddle Brush)

Intensity:     Not the paddle, in a good way!

Sound level:   Not that loud actually

Feeling during spanking:  Nice sound, nice slap, stingy, but not  like the paddle

DH comment:   My new favorite! 

As you may remember, my first paddle hairbrush broke a while ago. I went out shortly after to buy a new one. This time though, I wanted to buy one that was finished to avoid damage to it or my bottom. So I went to Target. I love walking through a store, looking for spanking implements. Not that I have found many, but still, I like to look around, imagine, try it out in my hand. So I found this one. It felt pretty stingy in my hand, sent DH a pic via nifty cell phone. He liked it too, so I bought it. Shortly after, we got the paddle and DH fell in love with it. The hair brush moved into the bathroom (where it should be :D) and DH didn't think much more of it. 

But once I finally got DH to understand that I was really not kidding about the paddle and how I feel about it, mainly that it really should be reserved for punishment, and I will do almost anything to not deserve a punishment), he became more interested in the brush again. Although we did finally order a leather paddle too, but haven't received it yet.

Last night, DH asked if I wanted one more spanking with the hairbrush for my review. :D Yep, what girl could say no to that!
He started warming me up with his beautiful hands. He has been getting so much more confident, I can feel it in the way he spanks me. No more hesitation. He can read my body language better, and knows when I tense up. This morning he told me that he understand that when my legs go up, I am at my limit, and depending on his mood, he will slow it down, or even stop at this point, or go and get the paddle. Last night, after a good warm up, he got the hairbrush, and started spanking me with it. It is stingy, no doubt about it, but it doesn't pack the wallop that the paddle does. It seems the hair brush is not as intense, and is lighter. The sting is perfect, although depending on how hard he does it, I can't take much of it either. 
After about 20 spanks with it, my legs started to move. I tensed up. Slowly the legs were coming up, I was reaching my limit. DH stopped, rubbed my hot, red cheeks, chuckled a little, and kept massaging them a little. I was starting to relax, and bam. bam. bam. Ou! Then he was done. He followed it up with some more hand spankings, but honestly those feel almost soothing at that point.         

You guys have a paddle hair brush? Do you guys like it? So far, I would have to say this is my favorite as well.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Settling in

Its late. At least for me. I was tired, cold, and so I went to bed, snuggled up in our big king size bed. I was lying dead center to warm DH's spot too for when he finally came to bed. I was slowly starting to warm up, the blanket tucked around my ears. My cat lying behind my back. I hear foot steps as I was drifting, giving in to sleep. I hear the shower turn on, and I finally drifted off. The bed moved, without waking too much, I moved over to my side to make room.

Are you awake?

Mh, not really.

Well, since you put the hair brush on my night stand, I figured you wanted a spanking.

Mhh, no, not anymore. I am good. I feel perfect. (DH has been spanking me every single night since Friday.)

Well you look perfect. Spanking?


Okay, yeah, you are getting one now.

And he pulled me over his lap. I was suddenly awake. Cold. Shivering, but not from the cold, more from the anticipation. He rubbed my cheeks, told me about his perception of our day. He had given me some tasks to complete, but my day got interrupted by having to drive him to work in the morning for some reason, and I hadn't gotten any of the tasks done because I had to finish my homework which was due last night. He wasn't dissappointed, but wanted to remind me that he hadn't forgotten. He understood why I didn't get it done.
He spanked me. Just with his strong, big hands, but it was perfect. He kept on going.
After DH rubbed lotion on my backside, tucked me back in, and I fell back to sleep.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Honesty and bjs

Over the last week it feels like my emotions have been all over the place. Started out all the way on top, then tanked, and now I am back up again. Although I think at a more healthy (and probably more achievable) up. I feel good. I am so thankful for having you guys to keep me sane, even in moments (okay, lasted longer than moments) of insecurity and neediness.
DH has been very much in charge over the last few days. I have been getting spankings left and right. Just today I may have been a little snarky, but mostly because I feel happy, content, and even playful. DH got up, closed the office door, had me get up, bend over, and he spanked me, over my pants right then and there while telling me not to talk to him that way. He finds it highly disrespectul. Honestly, I appreciate his openess, telling me he doesn't like something is just so much better than swallowing it down. It seems like a very healthy reaction, but one we are still working on.


We are working on being honest with each other regarding a lot of things, from blow jobs (which I love giving when we just took a shower, kids are not likely to waltz in) to how we are dealing with our children. I think ttwd has allowed us, maybe guided us, to this open communication. I always try to be honest with people even though I avoid conflict at all cost. I think this is a weird combination. I always think of people who are honest to a fault as being ready to fight, to argue, no matter what it is. But that is not me.  The only person I have ever argued with is DH.
DH has been telling me about his fantasies which revolve mostly about my mouth on his cock and him coming on my face. I think he has had that fantasy for a long time, but just now felt confident enough to tell me about it. And I was happy to oblige. This morning, the kids were still quiet, he woke up a little and gently, but firmly, nudged my head down. I love when he knows what he wants and isn't too shy to act on it.
I love this. I love the open communication and just need to remember that the next time he doesn't have a lot of time for me.

Friday, June 8, 2012

The price of a 'good girl spanking'

Today is Friday. I heart Fridays. They really are my favorite day of the week. Fridays, I always start the day with making pizza dough for our pizza night, and we watch Phineas and Ferb while eating homemade pizza with the girls on the couch. DH and I are very strict when it comes to dinner time. We both grew up with dinner at the table, everyone coming together, and sharing their day. When DH was going through his depression, he would mostly be the one talking, and complaining, but this has changed to include all of us enjoying each other and my cooking. Okay, made that up, wishful thinking, the girls complain about what I made, but DH and I enjoy my cooking.

DH came home early yesterday to ensure he would be home in time for our oldest daughter's talent show performance and we finally had time to sit in his office and talk a little before I had to make dinner. Once again, I was quiet. I wanted him to be able to work so that he can do it again in the future, because in my mind, only people that actually work while working from home, can do it on a regular bases. Right?
That morning we had been in the shower together, nothing sexy, just time saving, and he asked why I was so quiet and withdrawn again.
"Do you miss this thing we do?" I could not believe he was actually asking me this. Was he being serious? Of course I was missing him being here, his presence, his influence, his comfort, his dominance. I was so hurt that I couldn't really say anything to him, and mostly just left and got everybody ready to go.
During the day, we send some emails, and in one of them, I admitted it, "Yes, of course I miss it." I mean, isn't that why we are supposedly doing this thing we do? Because we both want to? At that point, I was feeling like I was asking too much of him again. Like I was too much work, too much bother, too needy, too everything, and pulled back even more.
Back to him being home yesterday afternoon. I was sitting with him in his office, quietly. He stopped working, turned to me, and we finally talked. He admitted that apparently he wasn't doing his job right, in taking care of me. (great, I feel like I am work again). He told me that he would take care of it that night, and I would be getting the paddle.
"The paddle? That is for punishments remember?"
"I know, I will use to as punishment for me." Huh? How does that work? I don't think it hurts when you swing it, I think it only hurts when you lie there over his lap, getting it on your bare ass. I didn't say any of this out loud though.
For the rest of the day, he was attentive, held me, was there for the kids, but still distant from me. After the kids were in bed, he had me get into his favorite outfit, including a white thong and long white socks, and get the paddle. (yes, I didn't talk myself out of it this time)
Once I was in position, he started talking. I look forward to this. It seems that he can express himself the best while in this position. So he started talking, lecturing. I may have called him that afternoon before he got home, and told him I was buying liquor and that I was going to get drunk this afternoon. He is a dry alcoholic and therefore liquor is on our rules. Once a week for me. That is fine, I don't care, but that afternoon, I was so tired of not getting any attention (4 year old here). Well DH was upset about this. He couldn't believe I was saying it. When on his lap, he told me that it is still hard for him at times not to drink and me talking like that, was making him really mad.

"Not everything is always about you!" (yes, I said that while I was over his lap, skirt up, butt exposed, paddle lying there).
He warmed me up, which was great. I mean can I say that? I love the warm up. He grabbed the paddle, and started slowly, but that thing really hurts. The way it stings but it stings to deeply, and on the same spot, I can't handle it. Wasn't even the good kind. I can take a really long hand spanking, but I think he may have done 15 with it, and I begged him to stop.
"Please stop!" And he did. You probably remember that I am fairly quiet during spankings, so to him that was my safe word. (On a side note, I think we really do need a leather paddle, this wooden one is just so awful, and we haven't tried the new hairbrush yet, although it is awesome for my hair!)
We had great sex, although we still have to work on our timing, I usually come once, and that is mostly it for me. I get so tight that he has to pull out because it is too uncomfortable, and so that was an issue.

DH is blaming the good girl spanking. He thinks that because we didn't do maintenance on Sunday, this happened. I am not sure I agree with that 100%. We were both so tired that day, and in such a good place, but I guess Monday would have been good to do it, but he wasn't here.
I think I am feeling better today. I have done my chores that I hadn't done all week, and the house is pretty clean, laundry folded and put away. I still feel like we haven't figured it out yet. I still feel like too much work,  I still miss his dominance, even in the little ways. I mean, I am not asking him to spank me all day, there are so many other ways he could be showing it. I mean, we have established that this is what we want, right? So he should have the confidence to act on it. But he doesn't at times. And I don't understand it, but at the same time, DH is still tired, still hasn't caught up on his sleep yet, so I am trying not to be too much bother. But that will result in us not working correctly. Vicious cycle.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Checking out!

I knew we would have to pay for our fantastic camping trip this week. I knew DH would be busy this week, working long hours to catch up on work. That is okay, I knew it, I was prepared for it. Or at least I thought I was. Today is Wednesday, only half way through the week, and it feels like an eternity has passed.

DH takes the train in the mornings, leaves the house by 7.30 and hasn't been back home until about almost  10 pm since we got home from camping.
I really did know this, which was one of the reasons why I enjoyed camping as much as I could. But I miss him. It feels like it has been forever and a day, since he has held me. We cuddle at night, always spooning, but it is just not the same, especially when I know he is tired. How can blame him? He is working like crazy this week. I even put on his favorite underwear last night, and he didn't even notice. Once he hit his pillow, he was unconscious within seconds. And I don't want to add more hours or even minutes to his day.
So I am sucking it up. As he puts it, I am checking out. He told me this morning that I have checked out.

Not really true, I see it as taking a step away so that at least our children get to spend a moment with him this week, and I am also taking a step back because I don't want to make his day even a minute longer if I don't have to.

This morning our youngest has her last day of preschool, and he stuck around this morning for a bit. In the past, he drove her to school, came back, and hang out with me while she wasn't here. And by hung out, I mean sex, spanking, really anything we wanted to do with no children in the house. Our only chance to be alone for two whole hours. Well, today, right now, was the last chance to do this for the summer (!) and he didn't have time. He has a meeting. He left. And god, how can I blame him? I can't. I am glad he has work, and that he enjoys it as much as he does. So I am sucking it up again. I don't want him to think I am ungrateful, and unreasonable, even though I have to admit, I was really thinking, and hoping, he would have time and come back to me.

Monday, June 4, 2012

A good girl spanking

I am back! I survived camping for the first time! Thank you guys all for the tips.
We would have been lost, and bitten to death by mosquitoes no less, without insect repellent. We actually gave one bottle to neighbors who had forgotten. So thank you Fondlers Anonymous. And thank you Susie for reminding me to bring a broom, I actually packed up the tent cleaner than when we got it out! Although nobody reminded me to bring a knife and a spoon or two. Lol. Totally forgot. But as it turns out you can cut banana bread with a fork, and eat mini wheats with a fork, and measure out instant coffee with a fork! Its like magic!

The park was very close to the pacific ocean, and the weather changed constantly, but it was amazing. The pure power of the ocean fascinates me. When we finally got to the campsite on Friday, DH was starting to get antsy though. I knew to expect it too. He is not very good at change. Changing his environment makes him very  self conscious and he looses patience very quickly. Trying to set up the tent, he started to really freak out, and I had to take over. I was in charge again. Not something I enjoy with DH, but I can if need be. And there was need. We finally set up the tent, I could see him breathing a little easier, but at this point, he already felt like he had let me down as the leader and HoH, and he withdrew into himself. It took the rest of the day to get him to feel more comfortable in the situation and environment, but once we were along, sitting at the camp fire, he started to be himself again. That night we snuggled. It was perfect even though I didn't sleep a lot. But thank god, and Susie and SNP for reminding me to bring our own pillows.

The next day, I could tell he was still a little unsure of himself. As in, should I just stay in the background and let her lead, or should I resume my position at the head of the household. Once I realized this, we talked and I told him that I was exhausted, hadn't slept much, and I would appreciate it if he could take over.
He did.
The rest of the trip was just amazing. We had the best time, the girls did great, and I got to take a lot of pictures.
We got home Sunday afternoon. I got everything put away (amazing right?), the girls clean, husband clean, kitchen clean, dinner. I mean, I was so exhausted at the end of the day.
Once the kids were in bed, we sat on the couch, watching the season finale of Touch.
"Today is Sunday. Maintenance. I want you to take a shower, and then I might just get the paddle out."
"Huh? The paddle? But I thought that was just for punishments? I mean, if there is a day I shouldn't get the paddle it should be today! Do you know what I  have done this weekend?"
"Yeah I do. You were beautiful and amazing. I had the best weekend! I can't believe how awesome camping was."
"Well then why would I get the paddle? You told me it would only be for punishments" I was totally trying to get out of any spanking. I was exhausted. I didn't feel like maintenance simply because we had been together the whole weekend and didn't need the reconnecting.
As it turns out, DH needed it. After his stint of letting me lead, he felt the really big urge to dominate me, assure me he was the man and leader, and the easiest way for him to do that, is a spanking.
"You are right. No paddle, but get going. You are not getting out of the spanking."
Okay, well at least I got out of the paddle. I went to take my shower. Took my time, because there is no better feeling than a hot shower.
Once I was over his knees, he spanked me so lightly, its like he was too tired to do anything real too. After, I passed out (no sex even) and he watched some TV I think, although I don't even remember hearing the TV.

I seem to keep forgetting that ttwd is not just for me. It is helping DH become stronger too. He seems more confident than he has ever been before, and I think he is even feeling the difference at work and other areas of his life. I am already looking forward to this week, and at this point, I don't even remember the paddle as being that ouchy. Probably not a good sign....I should reread my last post.