Friday, July 27, 2012

Marriage without sex?

As I was sitting here, thinking about all the stuff I should be doing instead of sitting here, I stumbled upon Ponyboy's blog Marriage in the bedroom. I really like his blog. I love reading about relationship stuff from a guy's perspective, and he is pretty funny.
Today he has a  post about a reader of his. This guy is married, but his wife basically doesn't want to have sex with him anymore, or maybe never really did. This led me to think about sex and relationships. When DH and I decided to get married, he made sure to make me understand that a marriage needs to have sex. If a couple doesn't have sex anymore, there is no real marriage. So, I take  us having sex seriously, and I take us not having sex even more serious.
Ponyboy writes in his blog post that "my wife expects that I am going to be a good Father and not ignore our kids, she expects that I am going to keep a job and make money, she expects that I am going to be a good husband". This is all true for DH and my marriage too. As is Ponyboy's statement about his expectations: "I am going to expect a healthy sexual relationship at home." And I couldn't agree more. 


My opinion: A marriage needs to have sex. If there is no sex, the couple might as well be brother and sister living together. If one of the partners doesn't want sex anymore at all, then I am not sure the relationship is still viable.


What do you guys think? Did you go through periods of no sex before ttwd? I know we did, and I am so glad that is over. 

25 comments:

  1. Oh brilliant interesting question Julia.
    I have in a past relationship. A relationship that I should never have been in. Isn't hindsight a wonderful thing.
    There were long periods without sex. And yes, it wasn't that he wasnt willing, it was me. I totally agree that sex is a very important part in a healthy relationship. My problem was, it was not a healthy relationship. I guess you could say that I was in an emotionally abusive one with someone who was a control freak, a bully. I lost any respect or feelings I had for him and any sexual desire died right alongside. I could not have someone who treated me like crap throughout the day but then expected me to be happy to 'comply' in the bedroom. I did try to turn things around and lasted for 10yrs, but one person alone cannot 'fix' things.
    Anyhow, perhaps tmi lol, I will say that Mitch and I haven't ever gone through any type of sexual drought and I hope to keep it that way :)

    Dee x

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    1. Dee,
      I am happy to hear you got out of that relationship, that is just not only unhealthy, but almost scary too. An emotional abuse relationship/guy is a boat with a giant hole in it, just waiting to sink.
      We didn't have sex very often after our kids were born, things were healing and so forth, but I am glad we got off that track again and back onto the sex wagon!

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  2. Hmm well I'm not married, so I suppose my take on this is less informed. I think the key is intimacy, not necessarily sex. While I hope my future marriage will never lack sex, I think being intimate with one another is what makes you a couple. Cuddling, hand holding, the casual touches, the familiarity with each others' bodies and personal space. This includes sex, in the same way that fruit includes apple.

    However, if one partner wants it and the other doesn't (for long periods of time), then you have an unhappy marriage because one partner isn't getting what they want out of it. So if both people have sorta lost the desire but not the intimacy, I don't think that's "not a marriage." But, if one is feeling the lack, then yes, something must be done.

    Interesting post!

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    1. Thanks for stopping by Rosie!
      I think intimacy in a relationship can only be achieved through sex, at least for a couple. That is what makes them what they are, a couple. All the little intimacy you mention maintain this intimacy to a degree, and for couples that cannot anymore or both have lost interest, I agree. That could be enough. But I think sex is the most important component in a relationship!

      Delete
  3. Yikes...a marriage without sex? Red flags going up all over the place!! I think the only time we've gone without for any length of time was on doctor's orders after les bebes were born:) It's definitely a must for a healthy marriage in my book.

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    1. I know right?! And after the babies was our longest too!

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  4. Julia-Great question. I think without sex, you lose that feeling of intimacy and start feeling like just friends. That did happen to us once, luckily it didn't last too long.

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    1. Thanks and I agree with your comment. Whenever we do go a while without, we feel our connection slipping.

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  5. I think a marriage without intimacy is a marriage in danger. If it's just sex without the intimacy than it's just a fling. But I have a hard time believing if you have intimacy, you're not having sex. We do have long periods we just don't have the time but it's usually hard for us and we can't wait until we have time again.

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  6. I think sex is the glue that holds a relationship together. When the sex stops the cracks start appearing. I have a friend who hasn't had sex with her husband in 3 years!! How does that work? Fortunately my husband and I have always had a regular sex life and just recently the sex has been amazing. We are much closer as a result.

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    1. Hey, thanks for stopping by! And I agree, I have even used that phrase before too. Sex is the glue that holds the relationship together!
      And being married and not having sex for three years? Wow!

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  7. I for one just couldn't do it!! I had been in a sexless marriage before when I was too young to know better and to know about myself in general.

    It's not good for any healthy relationship - just my opinion of course.

    It took me finding out what I was missing from sex and what I didn't "get" about it to now, fully understand it and become sort of a freak about it.

    I NEED it! I need my husband to want me, get turned on by me and I need to know I can make him feel a certain way and feel Him make me feel that way as well. It's a huge chunk of marriage I was missing before. We have now been together for almost 14 years and it's better then ever.

    We can't do a lot right now because of my pregnancy, and I want sex so much, I'm already having nightmares about having to wait after the babies come to get back into having sex, and having GOOD sex.

    I love the element of intimacy it brings to marriage and I can't do without it. :)

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  8. I have to disagree. I go through bouts of not wanting sex. There's a lot of stuff going on inside my head. Honestly sometimes I have issues with kissing. Long, personal and complicated story. My husband however understands this. Every relationship is different. If both partners agree that sex is important, then good. If my husband believed that about me, we probably wouldn't have gotten together. What about people with medical conditions or those who are paralysed? Not to mention the very old. Oh, I know they have drugs for that now, right? Sex isn't everything. I'd rather have someone who understands and respects me and who I am the same way for. I'd rather know we can always have a good conversation than sex.

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    1. Well if it works for you guys, I was just saying that in a normal relationship, where no one is old and incapable, sex is usually the most important thing.
      DH is my favorite person, I love hanging out with him, doing stuff, or not doing anything, but at the end of the day, we still have sex to set the foundation right. That is just how it works for me and us.

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  9. Julia...

    I have had a busy day at work, so I haven't had time to stay online too much.

    Thanks for the shout out, much appreciated! Glad you agreed with my post.

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  10. Dry spells hit now and again - for good reasons, but everyone needs to reboot once in a while, no matter what. The more I have, the more I want, while if we go awhile, I can go even longer. But the lack of sex is not happy-making - I get more tense, grouchier and trust my own instincts less.

    So yes, sex. Necessary. For the individuals, the couple and the relationship.

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    1. Yes, dry spells are normal for us too, and the longer we go without the less I want. But when I have a lot of sex, I want more sex too!

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  11. We have had some dry spells, especially the first few months after giving birth. The trouble is, once you get out of the habit, it's hard to back into the habit. I am so grateful for TTWD for reinvigorating our sex life!!!

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  12. Good question. I'm not married, but based on experience, there's something about the release and emotional connection of activity that keeps us close. Generally if I'm not happy, I know that playing will make it better, even if I don't think so at the time. I don't know how you're defining sex, but I'd say that "playing" is just as good as actual intercourse. Basically, any intimate activity makes us better. Especially with the distance. We text all day and talk every evening, but we fall into traps. We didn't really have this problem when we were both living in the same area, because we had that affectionate touch. Or so I think.

    Btw, I just noticed your age poll...that's kinda cool!

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  13. The last bf and I quickly dissolved into a sex-less relationship within half a year of being together. In the end he walked out, and while I was a mess then, I realise that HE was the one with the issues, not me. I'm a sexual person, and I love the intimacy. When all he wants to do is lie and bed and touch me but NOT actually have sex, it's really quite a conundrum. Did I try talking? asking? seducing? yes yes and yes. So really, who ever heard of a guy not wanting to have sex? (don't get mad, I meant that last bit as a joke... )

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