Hi, DH here! I told Julia I had an idea for a blog post about how to give a spanking, and she asked me to actually write it! What follows is my best attempt.
My beautiful wife and I have been practicing ttwd for the better part of a year now. Our understanding of what 'that thing we do' means has changed dramatically over time. In the beginning, it was just me spanking her, usually after she asked for it repeatedly, and then finding out that the spanking wasn't long enough afterward. Things have changed. Just a couple of days ago, I felt myself start to melt down under the stress of working at home with a flaky VPN connection, getting ready to leave early to see my oldest daughter safely on campus, and some critical tasks at work that were hanging over my head. I turned to Julia and told her I felt like I was 'jumping the rails.'
Julia: You're not jumping the rails, though.
Me: I know, but I am so frustrated! Nothing is working!
Julia: I understand. What do you want to do?
Me: I... I want to give you a spanking!
Julia: OK. You are the head of the house. Why don't you?
Me: Yeah, that's right! Why don't I?
The person who really benefited the most from the spanking? Me.
We've both experimented. Julia used to make me work a little to get her to submit to a spanking, but noticed that I respond better when she offers her submission instead. This has changed the dynamic between us and strengthened our trust. We've experimented with rules, but I give her a spanking at least once a week, no matter what. I am constantly asking her how she feels, and I read her blog to find out what her perceptions are after a spanking. I've learned a lot that way!
To be honest, Julia started us on this journey. She read about it on TakenInHand, and thought it would be a good direction for us. She was basically wearing the pants in our relationship at that time, and was really tired of doing all of the heavy lifting. Looking back, I believe that many men have been unmanned by the feminism movement, to the point of disengaging with relationships because we just don't understand what women WANT anymore. In my case, I'd also lost my job in the recession and my confidence as well. When she started pointing me at TakenInHand articles after we had the 'spanking talk' I started to realize the potential implications if we tried this in our marriage: what if one of us decided we didn't want to anymore? What if I actually hurt her and she didn't trust me anymore? What if I could never 'do it right?'
What if tryng ttwd ruined our marriage?
But I liked it. She liked it. I'm unbalancing my laptop on my lap just typing about it. We talked about various scenarios, about how we would talk about how we felt at each step along the way. I promised her that if we tried it, I would always go slowly, no matter what. We realized an essential, permanent truth: once we started on this path, we wouldn't be going back.
So this is my little guide for seekers of information about giving your wife a spanking. I'm writing this with the first-time spanking couple in mind, but I also hope that most of these steps apply to every spanking.
1. Take her in hand. When it's time for a spanking, gently take her by the hand and lead her to your spanking place. Tell her it's time for a spanking to help her get ready. Be firm, but friendly. Strong, but kind. Patient, but absolutely unwilling to back down once you establish that this event, this spanking, is on. I tell Julia to go get ready for her spanking, which can mean a particular pair of panties, or sometimes her whole outfit. I tell her to get a particular implement, and put it within easy reach. I like to have her wait for me by standing by our bed so that she has time to think about the spanking coming up.
2. Discuss safety. Let her have a 'safe' word, or some other way to tell you to stop for real if she's having a serious problem. Like everything else I've experienced in ttwd, the safety talk works for you AND her: it reminds you that her safety is important, and that you have her trust to keep her safe.
3. Go slowly, always. Agree with her that it's OK to have a light spanking that doesn't do much, especially when trying a new implement. Most guys aren't born knowing how to spank, so my advice is to freely admit that you don't know what you're doing right away, and try to set expectations accordingly. Our first spanking was nothing more than some light slaps on her ass that really didn't amount to much. I take the same approach with each new implement we try. The truth is that I don't want to hurt her, and at the same time, I want to find out where her limit is for the spanking. The only way to do that is to take a slow approach and give yourself plenty of time DURING the spanking to figure it out. There's nothing wrong with stopping and just caressing her with your hand (or the implement you happen to be using at the time) until you start up again.
4. Talk to her while you're spanking. I love to lecture Julia about why I'm spanking her, even if she's not in trouble. I tell her about how much more confident I am at work, or how much I love the shape of her ass as I'm spanking it. I tell her when I'm switching implements so she has time to get ready for the feel of the paddle when I bring it out. Sometimes I have her count the swats when I'm spanking her hard across both cheeks. On a few occaisions, it's been necessary for me to lecture Julia about rules she's broken, which is the only time I will require her to answer me during a spanking.
5. Always (always!) follow through. Until recently, I have been really bad with this. Julia has been very frustrated on more than one day, where I promised her a spanking earlier in the day, and then failed to deliver. Not cool! For us, I think the best method is not saying anything about an upcoming spanking until I tell her to get ready for it. I can't always guarantee that I'll have enough energy at the end of the day to make good on a promise I made in the younger, fresher part of the day.
6. Don't spank angry. Or, don't spank her angrily. Even if she's broken a critical rule (one of ours is that Julia may not leave the house without her phone), I am committed to letting the spanking do the work of correction for both of us, without needing to yell at her, or punish her in some other way. The spanking itself is the way we hold each other accountable.
8. Warm her up, and cool her down. This is really a style issue, but it could be useful to beginners. My spankings are typically 3 parts: warmup, which I perform with my hand over her panties, and then on her bare skin. When her ass is glowing red, I switch to an implement (like our favorite leather paddle), and spank her with that. I like to vary the tempo to keep her guessing about when the next strike will come, and also give her a little time to recover. I finish every spanking with my hand again, which is the 'cool down' phase.
9. Express your love for her after the spanking. We usually end up making love after a spanking, which lets me continue dominating her. She's been able to have multiple orgasms after we started ttwd, and I think the spanking heightens her sexual experience. I always hold her and make sure she knows I love her after spanking her.
10. Listen and learn. Listen to what she says during a spanking, and after. Let her give feedback on the implements you use, but make the final decisions on what you actually use ;) . Let her speak 'out of character' once in a while so you can have a frank discussion about where you really are. Julia and I love this part of our relationship, where we can step out these roles and talk about what we're doing. After all, we chose to pursue this lifestyle.
What do you think? What other things should be on this list? How does a man successfully spank his wife?