Sunday, September 23, 2012

How to spank your wife

Hi, DH here!  I told Julia I had an idea for a blog post about how to give a spanking, and she asked me to actually write it!  What follows is my best attempt.

My beautiful wife and I have been practicing ttwd for the better part of a year now. Our understanding of what 'that thing we do' means has changed dramatically over time.  In the beginning, it was just me spanking her, usually after she asked for it repeatedly, and then finding out that the spanking wasn't long enough afterward.  Things have changed.  Just a couple of days ago, I felt myself start to melt down under the stress of working at home with a flaky VPN connection, getting ready to leave early to see my oldest daughter safely on campus, and some critical tasks at work that were hanging over my head.  I turned to Julia and told her I felt like I was 'jumping the rails.'

Julia: You're not jumping the rails, though.
Me: I know, but I am so frustrated!  Nothing is working!
Julia: I understand. What do you want to do?
Me: I... I want to give you a spanking!
Julia: OK.  You are the head of the house.  Why don't you?
Me:  Yeah, that's right!  Why don't I?

I bent her over our bed right there, and started spanking her as hard as I could though her jeans.  She started whimpering right away -- I really let her have it.  After about 20 swats, my hand hurt so badly I had to switch sides, and then started spanking her just as hard with my other hand.  With every muffled swat, I could feel my rational mind returning.  Even before we were done, I had figured out a plan for solving my problems.  That spanking made the difference between having a horrible, frustrating, failure of a day, and what it actually was: one of our best days ever.

The person who really benefited the most from the spanking?  Me.

We've both experimented. Julia used to make me work a little to get her to submit to a spanking, but noticed that I respond better when she offers her submission instead.  This has changed the dynamic between us and strengthened our trust.  We've experimented with rules, but I give her a spanking at least once a week, no matter what. I am constantly asking her how she feels, and I read her blog to find out what her perceptions are after a spanking.  I've learned a lot that way!

To be honest, Julia started us on this journey.  She read about it on TakenInHand, and thought it would be a good direction for us.  She was basically wearing the pants in our relationship at that time, and was really tired of doing all of the heavy lifting.  Looking back, I believe that many men have been unmanned by the feminism movement, to the point of disengaging with relationships because we just don't understand what women WANT anymore.  In my case, I'd also lost my job in the recession and my confidence as well.  When she started pointing me at TakenInHand articles after we had the 'spanking talk' I started to realize the potential implications if we tried this in our marriage: what if one of us decided we didn't want to anymore?  What if I actually hurt her and she didn't trust me anymore?  What if I could never 'do it right?'  

What if tryng ttwd ruined our marriage?

But I liked it.  She liked it.  I'm unbalancing my laptop on my lap just typing about it.  We talked about various scenarios, about how we would talk about how we felt at each step along the way.  I promised her that if we tried it, I would always go slowly, no matter what.  We realized an essential, permanent truth: once we started on this path, we wouldn't be going back.

So this is my little guide for seekers of information about giving your wife a spanking.  I'm writing this with the first-time spanking couple in mind, but I also hope that most of these steps apply to every spanking.

1. Take her in hand.  When it's time for a spanking, gently take her by the hand and lead her to your spanking place.  Tell her it's time for a spanking to help her get ready.  Be firm, but friendly.  Strong, but kind.  Patient, but absolutely unwilling to back down once you establish that this event, this spanking, is on.  I tell Julia to go get ready for her spanking, which can mean a particular pair of panties, or sometimes her whole outfit.  I tell her to get a particular implement, and put it within easy reach.  I like to have her wait for me by standing by our bed so that she has time to think about the spanking coming up.    

2. Discuss safety.  Let her have a 'safe' word, or some other way to tell you to stop for real if she's having a serious problem.  Like everything else I've experienced in ttwd, the safety talk works for you AND her: it reminds you that her safety is important, and that you have her trust to keep her safe. 

3. Go slowly, always.  Agree with her that it's OK to have a light spanking that doesn't do much, especially when trying a new implement.  Most guys aren't born knowing how to spank, so my advice is to freely admit that you don't know what you're doing right away, and try to set expectations accordingly. Our first spanking was nothing more than some light slaps on her ass that really didn't amount to much.  I take the same approach with each new implement we try.  The truth is that I don't want to hurt her, and at the same time, I want to find out where her limit is for the spanking.  The only way to do that is to take a slow approach and give yourself plenty of time DURING the spanking to figure it out.  There's nothing wrong with stopping and just caressing her with your hand (or the implement you happen to be using at the time) until you start up again.

4. Talk to her while you're spanking.  I love to lecture Julia about why I'm spanking her, even if she's not in trouble.  I tell her about how much more confident I am at work, or how much I love the shape of her ass as I'm spanking it.  I tell her when I'm switching implements so she has time to get ready for the feel of the paddle when I bring it out.  Sometimes I have her count the swats when I'm spanking her hard across both cheeks.  On a few occaisions, it's been necessary for me to lecture Julia about rules she's broken, which is the only time I will require her to answer me during a spanking.

5. Always (always!) follow through.  Until recently, I have been really bad with this.  Julia has been very frustrated on more than one day, where I promised her a spanking earlier in the day, and then failed to deliver.  Not cool!  For us, I think the best method is not saying anything about an upcoming spanking until I tell her to get ready for it.  I can't always guarantee that I'll have enough energy at the end of the day to make good on a promise I made in the younger, fresher part of the day.  

6. Don't spank angry.  Or, don't spank her angrily.  Even if she's broken a critical rule (one of ours is that Julia may not leave the house without her phone), I am committed to letting the spanking do the work of correction for both of us, without needing to yell at her, or punish her in some other way.  The spanking itself is the way we hold each other accountable.

7. Dominate her.  I used to make the mistake of asking Julia if she wanted a spanking.  Looking back it seems silly, almost like me asking her if I could go to the bathroom.  It's not her decision!  If there's going to be a spanking, I'm going to be the one giving it out, and I'll be deciding how, when, and where.  I will gently lead her to the time, place, and method, and administer the spanking.  In one of our recent spankings, I had her turn around and bend over to show me her thong.  I let her stand there, bent over, so I could enjoy the view, while I lightly played with her ass.  

8. Warm her up, and cool her down.  This is really a style issue, but it could be useful to beginners.  My spankings are typically 3 parts: warmup, which I perform with my hand over her panties, and then on her bare skin.  When her ass is glowing red, I switch to an implement (like our favorite leather paddle), and spank her with that.  I like to vary the tempo to keep her guessing about when the next strike will come, and also give her a little time to recover.  I finish every spanking with my hand again, which is the 'cool down' phase.

9. Express your love for her after the spanking.  We usually end up making love after a spanking, which lets me continue dominating her.  She's been able to have multiple orgasms after we started ttwd, and I think the spanking heightens her sexual experience.  I always hold her and make sure she knows I love her after spanking her.

10. Listen and learn.  Listen to what she says during a spanking, and after.  Let her give feedback on the implements you use, but make the final decisions on what you actually use ;) .  Let her speak 'out of character' once in a while so you can have a frank discussion about where you really are.  Julia and I love this part of our relationship, where we can step out these roles and talk about what we're doing.  After all, we chose to pursue this lifestyle.

What do you think?  What other things should be on this list?  How does a man successfully spank his wife? 

63 comments:

  1. DH, really great post! I enjoyed reading this and I think you are pretty much spot-on. Our sessions are often similar to these and I do agree spankings are very effective when delivered in this manner. I am happy you two found something that works so well :)

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    1. Hi Riley - thanks for your kind comment! My hope is that I'm expressing my overall attitude toward ttwd, even if the 'steps' don't line up quite right ;) . I believe that what Julia and I have works well for our marriage, but also causes us to GROW, both together and as individuals. Crazy, right? Have a great day!

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    2. Yeah I think it is crazy, even crazier though is that it really does work!
      And I really like this blog post my love! I think you could have definitely used a post like this when we first started!

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  2. I appreciate the thoughtful manner in which this was written. It was well thought out and lots of good points. I like that you can say not everything has gone perfectly, but look where you are today. Julia writes many post praising you and your relationship. It is great to read success stories and learn from them. Blessing to you both and enjoy the rest of your night! Good Job, DH.

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    1. DH used to have a blog on his own, so he knows how to write awesome posts! Glad you enjoyed it.

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    2. Hi SNP! Thanks for your comment, I am SO HAPPY to be where we are today. The attitude you refer to, with how Julia cherishes our relationship, is the biggest ingredient of our mutual happiness. We never forget how good we've got it.

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  3. Hi DH. My husband and I have been talking about dd for the last month or so. He likes little snippets to read about dd, while intend to read a blog from start to finish. I gave him this post to read today and in return I got my first spanking. Thanks!! This really gave him some confidence and moved us in a new direction. It is really helpful for him to read what other HoH do. We are going slowly, but it is already making a difference for us. Your post really helped!

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    1. I am so happy to hear it! I was sure after reading this, that this would have been great to read when we first started it, so we wouldn't have to stumble through things, but oh well. Keep me up date!

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    2. Glad things are going good, Nikki :)

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    3. Whoa! I'm more than a little humbled, but very glad I could help!

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  4. What a great post! I loved all parts of it. And I love that he's the boss got her first spanking as a result of it!!! Thanks for popping in DH!!

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    1. I know right? That is just crazy! I love it! So happy that my husband was able to help!

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    2. I would be lying if I said I wasn't hoping for that outcome -- I looked far and wide for a guide like the one I wrote, but I couldn't find anything that seemed to fit. Thanks for your comment!

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  5. So nice to see a post from an HoH, I really appreciate them, and I hope we will see many more from you in the future. Thanks, DH :)

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    1. Yeah I always love reading from the HoH perspective and have been asking him so nicely to please write me something.

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    2. Thanks Lillie Ian, Julia has a very nice group of readers! I hope she will let me back on here someday ;) .

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  6. 100 points for the Star Trek picture!!!!!!!!!! :D I am a happy Ana.

    It is nice to hear both sides. :) Many happy spankings to you both. Please keep our lovely Julia warm and toasty and well-spanked. :)

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    1. Lol! I had found that pic already when I was browsing the internet for the Picard or Kirk post, but I am glad I didn't choose it!

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    2. Thanks Ana! @Julia - lol! I was looking for a picture of Picard spanking some poor ensign, and found Kirk instead.

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  7. Hey DH! You did a great job with this. I know how hard it is for my husband to sit down and write a post. He thinks about it a lot and comes up with plenty of ideas but has a hard time getting them written down. It adds a lot each time one of you men get one of these out so thanks.

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    1. Yes, DH is a good writer, I love reading anything he wrote!

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    2. Thanks Susie! I have to admit this post took a while. I wrote part of it on the train on my way home from work last week, and the rest this last Saturday. I like reading things from a guy's perspective too, just to compare how I think about ttwd to someone else.

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  8. It's always nice to hear from the male POV :) Thanks for sharing. This is very much like Ward does things, and it is lovely, warm and comfortable.

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    1. Thanks for your comment - I'm very glad to hear that there is someone with a similar experience out there! I'm not always sure we're doing it 'right', as it were... :-D

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  9. Thanks for sharing your perspective, DH! I really like your description at the beginning about how spanking her helped you clear your mind and turn the day around. It's a good reminder that it's not just for/all about the spankee!

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    1. Yes! When we first started, I would feel guilty that I am asking too much of him, after all, what does he get out of it..But he does get something out of it. :D

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    2. Hi Tess - exactly! That was one of the reasons I wanted to write this blog post. Men stand to benefit just as much as women by following this lifestyle. It sort of 'teaches' you how to be a man, in some ways. Thanks for your comment!

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  10. I haven't read the other comments so apologies if I'm repeating. This, I have to say, was a bloody good post. Very nicely written and explained from your perspective. Sounds a whole lot like how Mitch looks at and feels about ttwd.
    You guys have really settled into ttwd now and I think that's great :)

    Dee x

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  11. Hi DH and Julia. What a great post. I love hearing things from the guys pov, it doesn't happen often enough. You obviously put a lot of thought and effort into this and it shows. Great advice and thanks for sharing it!

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    1. Hi Cowgirl Up - thanks for your kind words, I hope this can help other men like me who are looking for advice.

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  12. it's always great hearing from the other POV since we hear the girls often enough. thanks for sharing your experience and the pointers for people starting on the lifestyle.

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    1. Thank you Fondles - I've also enjoyed reading about the female point of view :) .

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  13. I really enjoyed reading this, so thanks! Hope you don't mind-Ill be sharing this! :)

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    1. DH wrote this because he couldn't find anything like it when we started, so please feel free to share a lot!

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  14. Wow, really great post. Thanks so much for sharing that

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    1. Hi playful, thanks! Now I need a rest, lol!

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  15. This is such great advice and something I will share with Alex. I hope many newbies are able to find their way here and read it. It will help many.

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    1. That is exactly what I think Zoe!

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    2. DH, I really love your post! I wish I had a husband like you! You & your wife communicate and use safe words. Since I don't have anyone currently, I spank myself - not as much as I'd like because I live in an apartment building. That is how I get off. Well, not just that. I read something racy as well. Thank you for your lovely story!

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  16. Great words of wisdom. Can't think of anything else. You caught my attention when you spoke about the spanking that you needed to give. We have had a couple of those. Glad to help him out.
    Really good post, thanks for sharing

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    1. Thanks for visiting my blog Blondie! And I agree :D

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    2. Hi Blondie - thanks very much!

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  17. Just found this! Brilliant post, full of great tips which DO work! xxx

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    1. Glad you found it! Share it! lol

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    2. Hi Daisychain - thanks, I appreciate your kind feedback. :)

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  18. Best post I've ever read from a husband regarding this dynamic. Your respect for your Julia shines through even as you describe the spanking.

    Elisa Xo

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    1. Hi Elisa - thanks for your comment! I really do respect and treasure Julia, both in my heart and in actions whenever I can. :)

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  19. I'm not married yet, but I hope that someday I will be blessed enough to find a man like this. I'm so jealous of you Julia! Men like your husband seem to be few and far between.

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    1. That is very sweet of you to say, and I hope you find that special someone. But just so you know, neither one of us is perfect. It takes a lot of work, communication, and constantly changing/adapting to stay happy and connected. Thanks for dropping me a comment!

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  20. Wow, great post!
    I agree, it is so nice to hear from the male perspective.
    Thanks so much for sharing your journey with us.

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    1. I always love the male perspective too!

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  21. I wish my man would spank me like this. I need it sometimes. but he won't do it. He says He "doesn't want to hurt me"

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    1. That is a very sweet thing to say of his and speaks volumes about how he feels about you. DH still doesn't understand that sometimes I need the spanking to hurt, and for him to go further than I want to. It is a working process, communication!!!!!!!

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  22. Thanks much! I love spankings.

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  23. I have received several spankings and just love this guide! my man is learning to love spanking me cause I just need him to, i recently enjoyed an outside spanking over his knee in the park thank you so so much!!! and yes of course we had the most fantastic sex afterwards!!!!

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  24. Hi DH!
    Just read this post and love it. We do not spank for punishment or much else really, we sometimes do when we have sex. We have talked about it but that's as far as we have gotten. My hubby kind of wants to start but he's nverous he's going to hurt me. I am going to definately send him this link, I'm sure it will help.

    Subrina <3

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  25. I want to be a submissive wife, but I have a dominate personality. My husband read your blog and decided that what I lacked was discipline. He decided that the discipline had to come from him. I came out of the shower to find him waiting for me. He had me sit on the bed and told me that he was going to give me a spanking. Then he told me how my disrespecting him, usurping his authority, and disobedience was affecting our marriage.

    After about an hour, in which I promised to be better repeatedly, he told me that I still had to be spanked. He had me lean over the bed rail, which was a comfortable position but made me sort of helpless. It means my fanny is sticking way up and I cannot protect it with my hands. He spanked me until I was genuinely sobbing and no longer fighting the spanking.

    I have had 4 spankings since that first one. He uses a silicone paddle that leaves almost no marks but stings like hell. We do not want the spankings to be a sexual act despite my being naked during the spanking, so after the spanking I stand facing the corner until a timer goes off. He says he needs me naked so that clothes do not hide any physical harm he unintentionally do me. He is careful to only strike my bottom and upper thighs.

    He spanks me until I am genuinely sobbing and repentant of my behavior. The last spanking I got was 3 days ago. I had lied to him and was caught in the lie. He pointed out that this caused him to distrust me. I wasn't surprised when he told me to go to the bedroom and wait for the spanking. Somehow sitting naked on the bed waiting for him to spank me is as bad as the spanking itself.

    This last spanking lasted almost 20 minutes and I had to stand in the corner for an hour. After the timer goes off, my discipline is done. I can get dressed and continue on as if I had never disappointed him. No shouting. No mentioning of my failure again. It is like I never did it. He isn't angry with me at all. So much better than what we did previously where angry feelings would last a month or more.

    It is so much easier now to obey and respect him. He is now in charge of the household. I have actually been far happier in this last month since he started spanking me than I have been in the previous two years. I love pleasing him now and work very hard on doing things that I know will please him. It used to be I withheld sex from him to control him, now anytime he wants to have sex I am delighted and willing.

    I thanked him last night for the spankings and disciplining me. He told me about this blog and gave me the link. Told me that this blog gave him the idea. He said he was thinking of divorcing me because of my behavior. So this blog not only has changed our marriage into a happy one, it actually saved our marriage.

    Thank you very much. In this society - men are discouraged from being a man. I can tell you that I feel far more feminine knowing that my husband is man enough to discipline me when needed.

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    1. Wow, that was quite the comment. Thank you for writing us, letting us know that putting this all out here on this blog is helping other people as well.

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  26. DH and Julia My husband and I have been talking and looking at the DD lifestyle and I have actually been the one to bring this to my husbands attention. I have had trouble with being the wife to submit to my husband and as much as I would wanted to I was raised by a single mother that instilled not to let no man dictate or rule the roost but I have seen the power struggle in our marriage and have decided I want to submit to my husband I want him to take the leader roll that is his to take he is the HOH and he needs me to submit to that. so with saying all this we have as I said been talking and reading about it and last night my husband spanked me it was harder then the normal he has swatted my behind during a sexual act on several occations and to be totally honest I love it the idea of him spanking is well ya but last night he spanked me harder then normal and also used a paddle. and it stung but wasnt as bad as u would think it would be. I have a lil bruising on one cheek but it dont hurt I actually am looking forward to the next spanking .. but I do have a question I want to ask DH you said that after a spanking it normally leads to you and Julia making love ... what about after a punishment spanking ? and what type of things result in a punishment spanking?

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    1. While we haven't moved punishment spankings off the table, they are usually not necessary, however, we have found that having sex after any type of spanking is really helpful in ensuring our closeness.

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