Tuesday, October 23, 2012

As it turns out

I know I have been moody lately. Blame my period. Sure, why not? It is, afterall, a very emotional time of the month. Every single time. Doesn't help that DH has to work like crazy, and is tired at the end of the day. I get that. I really do, but that doesn't mean he can't hold me tight while he is going to sleep, instead of not looking at me, feeling guilty that he is that exhausted.

Tried to find a woman hanging over a cliff, had to settle for TOM CRUISE!
I have been hinting at needing more for two weeks now. I want more ttwd in our lives, but it feels like I am the only one. I told him that, I told him that if he doesn't like this lifestyle, or just can't handle it, he needs to tell me, so we can figure out what to do, instead of letting me hang, waiting. I compared the feeling to him dangling me over a cliff, and when he has to go to work, he just ties me up and lets me hang there, when he comes home and is too tired to do ttwd, and doesn't even hold me, I feel like he let me hang on that cliff, waiting.
I was chatting with a blog friend over email, and she mentioned that ttwd can cause more problems than not. She was the first one to point this out, and I agree. I mean, I wouldn't have these feelings if we weren't trying to incorporate ttwd into our lives. If he was busy, I still wouldn't like it, but I wouldn't loose my footing like I have over the last two weeks.
I have been questioning his desire for this. I have been questioning whether we even have the same view of ttwd.
Today, DH stayed home from work, children are at school, and this is the first time in a long time I have gotten a spanking. I knew it was coming. The slaps love pads on his butt. The hair I forgot in the shower. The overall disrespect that came out every once in a while had to lead somewhere. And I am a little embarrassed to admit, I did most of those things to see if he even still cares notices. In my heart, of course I know he cares and notices, but to me ttwd is an ever present thing, that weaves itself into our relationship, our daily lives. It doesn't require DH to constantly spank me. If the house just doesn't allow for it because there are children and adult children everywhere, then of course I don't want that either. But at the same time, there are other ways for him to establish who is boss.
And so, as it turns out: DH has been so frustrated with spankings not working out, that he just pulled away. He didn't just pull away in general, but from me, from ttwd, making me feel like I am alone in this. I understand this now. Doesn't make it easier to bear though. To feel like I am alone in this.
So this morning, we finally talked, and talking let to spanking. Spanking let to him getting the wooden paddle out. I hope we can figure out how to live with ttwd even if we can't spank to reconnect/maintain on a regular bases. Sometimes it just doesn't work out, and we still need to be feel connected.

Advice? And please don't tell me I need more chocolate. I am really serious. DH and I both welcome any thoughts you may have.  And also, thank you Bonny! For all you have done for my blog.

23 comments:

  1. Happy Bonnie Appreciation Day! I linked to you. :)

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  2. That's a good analogy. It's hard when DD has to take a backseat due to life. And I definitely understand feeling alone in it. The last time we talked about it I told Steve that even if there's no spanking going on, I need to still feel that he's leading. Now he makes more of an effort, even if it's only telling me I know better when I snap at him or giving me a mini-lecture while we're getting ready for bed. Sometimes I just need to see that he is paying attention, even if I don't get spanked for whatever I'm doing.

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    1. Exactly! That is exactly it! Just because there is no opportunity for a spanking, DH could still grab my ass, hold me tight, or whatever!

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    2. Hi Dana - thanks for your comment, I think you're right about making more of an effort to lead, even when spanking isn't an option. I think I put too much emphasis on the spanking - I expect it to 'carry over' until the next spanking, leaving me free to work like crazy ;) .

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  3. I've been there before, Julia. To that place where you start to question their commitment and it leads you to push or test and as a result they seem to pull back, mostly due to the fact that all that pushing and testing kind of undermines their role in something that's supposed to be under THEIR control. When you start to feel this way, I find the best way to approach it is to try to have those (very respectful) conversations *before* you get tempted to test...and in the same vein encourage him to talk to you about his frustrations *as soon as* he starts feeling that urge to pull back. Maybe that way you can head off these situations that are obviously frustrating for both of you. It sounds like you both really do want the same things and just need to find ways to make it work a little better within your kid-friendly, long-work-hours lifestyle.

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    1. Tess, that is an awful place to be, isn't it? I hate when I start to feel that way, and then when I start to actively do something about it. But you are right, talking, communicating, and him not feeling like I am attacking him is the best and really only thing that can keep us on the right track.

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    2. Hi Tess - yes! That's exactly how I feel sometimes when Julia is "breaking the rules," especially when our agreed-upon method of discipline is unavailable. But my challenge is to live out the attitude and behavior of a leader in ALL circumstances, and use whatever methods of discipline that are available. Thanks for your comment!

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    3. Ok, I'll admit...for a second I was like, wait...who is this DH person? And then...Oh! Julia's DH, of course!! Duh. I still have a kid who keeps me up all night...you guys remember how that is;)

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  4. May i suggest sitting down separatley and writing a list of what you both want to get out of ttwd, what are your goals? do you want set rules? etc just anything that comes into your heads, then sit down with the both lists and compare, discuss.

    Sometimes this helps in recognising where you both are, what needs working on, differences, adjustments perhaps etc, having it written down means its there to refer to which is sometimes easier than thinking off the top of the head.

    Make time once a week to have a set 'talk' time (my Master and i do every Sunday evening) this is an opportunity to discuss the past week, to air any issues that havent been dealt with, i found this has helped me a lot.

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    1. That is a good idea tori, thank you. I think I might suggest that to DH, to figure out what we both think of this, what we hope to get out of it. Thank you!

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    2. Yep, let's try this tomorrow! Thanks Tori!

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  5. Hi Julia,

    Thank you for joining in the tribute! It's amazing what our community can do.

    As for advice, my experience is that there is no acceptable substitute for reconnection. That reconnection can take any of several forms, but when there is none, you will likely both feel frustrated.

    When our daughter lived at home, we would take advantage of times when she had school activities in the evening. In fact, I think that her attending high school football and basketball games on Friday nights may have been the genesis of our weekly appointment.

    Hugs,
    Bonnie

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    1. Hi Bonnie,
      Thank you for stopping by, and leaving a comment, I really appreciate it. I can't wait for the kids to have some regular sleepovers with friends. Or for my stepson to move into his own place when he is ready.

      And I can't even express how awesome your site it, how it helped me find so many other blogs, how much good info I have found off of it. And how many pageviews I have had because you blogged about my blog. Thank you so much!

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  6. (((Julia))) I hope you feel better, girlie. It is good you've found what was wrong so that hopefully you can can work toward a solution. I'd love to get you more chocolate, if that's any help! ;)

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    1. I do, having it out, and talked about. Trying. Its making me feel so much better!

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  7. Well I don't know the lifestyle, and I am dude so my comment may be totally useless or helpful because of my naiveity.

    I think when you said that you each have different ideas as to what TTWD is for both of you, you might have hit on something.

    I know for me it would be very counter intuitive to have my wife wanting TTWD, I would want to provide it for her, but in the back of my mind I would lack confidence or assurance that I am doing the right thing and that she really does want it.

    Which seems like it would defeat the purpose of TTWD if the male is hesitant and not overly confident in what he is doing.

    Said another way, perhaps DH just spanks and whatever else comes with TTWD when he is certain you want/need it versus deciding when you want/need it.

    All the best.

    PB

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    1. Hi PB - great comment, I think you really identified my basic issue: reacting to what I think her needs are, instead of providing assertive structure for her every day, regardless of the method. In my own head, I tell myself what to do all the time. I'm still learning how to incorporate her in that monologue. Thanks!

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    2. Hey man... glad to have helped, even if it was a little bit.

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  8. Its sad when things get to this point it happens to us alot with two teens and two twenty year olds in the house. I got fed up two days ago felt so lonely that I waited for him to come home from work walked him up to our room cranked the stero full blast handed him a coat hanger, dropped my pants and looked him in the eyes and just said please. Im a happy mother of four again. We also need to make sure we connect more. He works alot also and just doesnt always know when I am close to that ledge.

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    1. That is exactly it. That moment, when it just gets too much, I just need him to reassure me he is in charge, take me, grab me, lead me into our room, and just steal a few 'us' minutes!

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  9. All good advice here. I can't think of anything more. We've had company and then sickness and haven't reconnected and I understand a bit of what you are feeling. I think I'll just take the advice of your commenters and leech off your blog. :)

    I hope this week is going better Julia!

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    1. It is, thank you Susie! I hope you guys are all feeling much better, I hate being sick!

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