Monday, January 21, 2013

Hard getting back into the saddle

So the weekend is over, once again.  I am trying to find the right entry into this post.
You all read about the bully manager situation, and the HR meeting. DH came home, I was still really distraught and anxious. I mean this could cost him the job, and we have been unemployed before. While I love having DH home all the time, having sex any time of the day (we called it unemployment sex), I would really rather not have this happen to us again. I must admit, I was expecting him to reassure me, hold me, or something, but instead he was shaken, and not very confident. Our entire weekend, he kept going over the situations leading up to it, how he could have done things differently, if he should have.
I have been trying to not make him sound weak here on this blog, simply because he is not, but he does have self confidence issues. Sorry Shweety! Doing ttwd has helped though. It really has, when he does it.
I try to not bring it up, don't want to be the nagging wife after all, but the other day, I just asked him if we should stop saying we are doing ttwd, cause, we just aren't. (Spankings, yes, but more for fun/sex, than ttwd). He looked really mad all of a sudden. I really didn't mean it in a mean way, I was just trying to figure out what he wants to do.
"Of course we are not going to stop doing ttwd. We are doing it." Actually no, we haven't. At all. I mean, I put myself out there, asked for these things, like him paying attention to my eating habits, or that I run three times a week. Asking another human being to do something like that, at least for me, was really hard. It took a lot of courage, and I feel like he doesn't appreciate that, doesn't see it from my point of view. Leaving me to feel like I am hanging over a cliff all by myself. Again.


Sunday rolls around, and my friend offered to have our kids for a sleepover. Sounds good to me. Once we were home again, DH said for me to get to the bed, lean over, and he wanted to give me a spanking. Which sounds fine to me, always, but at the same time, I want more. Selfish, I know. I want more ttwd in our lives. I want it to weave itself through all of it. I want the discipline aspect of it, if needed. I want him to notice things, be the HoH in this house.

So I bend over the bed, ready for my spanking, he starts, and I just didn't react. I was sulking, I realized, not that that stopped me. Sometimes he has this tendency to not talk during it, and since he was being very quiet once again, I was fine just getting spanked without any reaction from me. FINE!

And then he started talking.
"I know you want more of this. I don't know why I got so out of doing it. I know you need this and so do I. I feel so much more confident when we do this, regularly....." And on it went. I was really not expecting him to actually know what was going on, but he was right on track.
I think the spanking cleaned the air a little. But at the same time, I  am still not sure if we are actually going to move forward now. Spanking is one thing, but without the other aspects of it, I don't even want a spanking.
I am not really asking for advice. I think this is something that will work itself out. I think DH is going to read this, and be reminded of why we wanted to start ttwd in the first place. For now, I better get on to doing the things he asked me to do this morning. See! I am a good girl!


And my class is going better than expected. It is really hard though. I don't like doing things half-assed (lol) and so I try really hard to get good grades, which is paying off, but also causes a lot of stress. But I am happy to report: So far - So good!

30 comments:

  1. It really wrecks confidence in a man when he is in danger of losing his job. Been there. I hope you guys keep doing what works in your TTWD dynamic. Living in the most normal way is what helps get through the rough times.

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    1. Yes, I know it does. ANd he is looking for other options, but I think keeping ttwd going is super important for his self confidence, finding a new job, leading in the house and out of it, along those lines...

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  2. You know, I've gotten that same, "We ARE doing ttwd." Somehow they seem to be okay with dipping in and out of it at different intensities while we want a constant. It's not easy to get that happy medium, but I'm glad you were able to clear the air. Hope it continues to go well!

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    1. Maybe that really is one thing where men are just so different from us ladies. And I hope it continues too!

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  3. Unemployment sex, this made me giggle. (But I get your seriousness at the same time)
    As for the rest of it. I get it. All of it. Totally. You're not alone in this situation. Sometimes it's all gung ho and others as though there's not much at all. Hang in there, that gung ho time will return.

    Dee x

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    1. I remember unemployment sex really fondly, it was awesome! I mean having sex whenever the kids were in school, or preoccupied, in the middle of the day.
      And I know you understand what I am describing. Sounds like you guys were going through similar things, not same, but similar.

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  4. Yes, it will work itself out and it's a stressful time all around. Will be thinking of you!

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    1. Thank you Susie. And you are right, I should never underestimate stress and how it affects a whole family.

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  5. I think you are right...it will work itself out...or rather, YOU GUYS will work it out:) The spanking and his words seem like a good step in the direction you both want to be heading again. ((hugs))

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    1. Yeah it does seem like a step in the right direction, especially the words, but we have been doing the spanking sporadically, and it was not often enough to really go anywhere. If that makes sense.

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  6. When a man's confidnce is shaken it's really hard for him to believe in himself, to feel he has the right to lead you. Or so I have heard. And seen. Give it time!

    Sara

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    1. Yes, that really is it Sara. I know/think that is his problem, he doesn't think he can lead, but I know he can, and I know he wants to. Yes, give it time. I used to think of myself as patient...

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  7. I hope the stuff with his job works out and I bet you both make the other stuff work out too. Take care.

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    1. Yeah me too, but thank you Zoe. I really appreciate it!

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  8. Work stress can be such a drain, I hope things turn around soon.

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    1. It really is. On the whole family.
      Maybe that is why I can't seem to write good comments anymore on every's blogs...lol

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    2. Yeah I know that feeling, don't sweat it, just focus on what you need to focus on, nice thing about your "online life" it can really be ignored and we will all still be here.

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  9. I think it will work itself out too. You guys do seen to be putting in the time, so I think you'll get the right (?) outcome

    Hugs!!
    Elle

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    1. Tahnks elle. I sure hope it will. I am such a terrible person at having to wait!

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  10. Bleh, hope all that stress goes away soon. It seems like you two are pretty good at working things out, so I bet this time will be no different. :)

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    1. Thank you Brooke, we are, but we are better at looking back and saying it, than we are when it is happening in that moment. But I feel better, DH feels better, and we feel closer than we have in weeks.

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  11. I'm so sorry I haven't stopped by when you've been having such a hard time. I've been in those "maybe I'll be unemployed soon" places and it is an awful place to be.

    There's no advice, right? Everyone's situation is different. I hope that you can find something positive to focus on, or the peace to allow yourself to feel the negative, so that you can get through this difficult time.

    Much love.

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    1. Thats okay Ana! I somehow seem to miss posts too, always makes me wonder how I could have missed it in the first place, but it happens.
      Attitudes have been getting attention from certain HoH-hands, and things are not as bleak anymore. :)

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  12. Julia,
    Sweetie, I know I am late to this discussion, but I just wanted to say that your marriage is strong enough to handle whatever the outside world throws at it - it will be okay.
    hugs
    lillie

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  13. Oh yes, "unemployment sex", "unemployment spanking" and unfortunately, "unemployment stress"- we've had it all.We fear it too! Constantly!
    During that time;
    when we could forget about the fact that he was unemployed, it was easy to just enjoy the time together, but the stress colored everything else. We really never want to go there again, but I miss the alone time that we had together. I completely "get" the worry that you face, and the stress that he feels. It adds stress to the relationship.
    I know it's hard to put your needs aside, and you are a trooper for being "the good girl". He really does appreciate it, even if he can't express it right now. He will come around when things settle down.
    We have our slow times here- and we are in the midst of one now. I can't spell that out on my blog, but since many of my readers read here, they can know from this comment.
    It's not a dry spell. Still getting the spanking that we both need, but he's being awfully easy on me. And I kinda miss my "tough guy". Puts me in the right head space- you know?
    Yes, you know! Hugs! :-)

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    1. Thanks for your thoughtful response Elysia. Fun to see I am not the only one that knows about unemployment sex/spanking all that. But it is very stressful. DH and I never ever fought, until money was running out. I really don't want to go back there. Maybe that is where I started to get my anxiety from. That experience that lasted too long.
      DH has been reassuring me more. But like you, I miss that tough guy approach.

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  14. I'm soo late with this and I'm very sorry you've been having tough times. They do come, and they pass and because you both kept loving and struggling and putting one foot in front of the other these time will be the glue that holds you close.....You are in my thoughts!

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