Friday, February 15, 2013

Daddy's girl - A repost!

A repost! DH read this the other day again, and said I have to repost it because it was a great post and only got two comments. So here it is.
Meanwhile we are leaving today for our sex weekend! I am so excited!

 Everybody - Have a great weekend!



When I first found the Taken in Hand website, I was amazed and a little embarrassed how much it spoke to me to have a male led marriage. To let the man take charge.

I was embarrassed at liking it, but at the same time, I couldn't stop reading stories and articles. Some spoke to me more than others, but the discipline ones spoke to me the most. Which of course embarrassed me even more. I spend most of that day not doing my homework, but instead reading article after article.

Later that night, lying in DH arms, I had to tell him. We have always tried to be honest with each other, no matter what. To me this one was a BIG one. I had to tell him, after all, if it spoke to me as much as it did, I was sure DH would need to hear about it.

Back story time (Anyone watch Phineas and Ferb?): When I first came to this country and into his house, I found his porn stack, because he really didn't hide it that well. He is still not a great hider. Anyway, one of his porn was about spankings.

I was lying in his arms, tucked in safely, it was dark and I was wide awake. But I had no idea how to bring it up. DH knew something was going on, and just gave me time. After I finally told him, he asked me if I meant domestic discipline, and I guess I did. I was mortified. I mean how could a modern woman want this type of relationship when women of previous generations fought so hard for us to be where we are today?

Sometimes I still get embarrassed at wanting this. When DH asks me if I need a spanking for example. How can I answer that? Of course I do! But I don't want to say it out loud, I am still embarrassed some of the time I guess. And this embarrassment always leads me to daddy issues. I mean, am I this way because I have buried daddy issues?

Until I was about three years old, he lived with us, and I know I was a daddy's girl. My dad was the biggest man in the world, he was my hero, he protected me from my big sister, and I was going to marry him, no question about it. Then he left. And by left, I really mean he left us. I remember running after him and standing at the gate, seeing him drive away. I remember always thinking that he will come back for me and safe me from my big sister, who loved to be mean and even cruel at times to me. Over the next few years, I would cry and watch the street, because I knew he would come back for me.

He didn't. Sometimes he would write me letters, but never actual letters that a child could understand, but poems. They didn't mean anything to me, I couldn't understand them, and at some point I just gave up.

When I was about 12, he reappeared, but he wasn't the same guy anymore. He was beaten down, not standing tall anymore as it were. He had been in prison for fraud, and was out of money. My mom offered to let him live in an RV on our property, and that is where he was. But he wasn't my father, not really anyways. He wouldn't act like it. The best I can describe his role in our lives back then now would be that he was our property keeper. He did all the manly work outside, the yard, the horse pastures, but he wasn't around for us to talk to really.
When I was 13, I had my first boyfriend, my first big love. We had sex, and planned our lives together. Don't they all? Of course, big surprise, he broke my heart. A lot. Over and over. And I let him. I didn't have a father who looked out for me, and told this guy to stay away, my father actually came and picked me up from his house, and never said anything. What kind of a father does this? Watch a guy break your daughter's heart over and over? Maybe he felt he had no right, but even that doesn't excuse it.

I think this is really where this dynamic I crave comes in. When I found TiH, I craved this feeling of being taken care of. The feeling of a man taken me in hand, watching out for me, caring enough about me to discipline me if necessary.

My father disappeared when I was 17, out of our lives. Poof. When I was 22, I found out online that he had died. I don't really regret not having tried harder, because I was the child and he the adult. He obviously didn't want to find me, talk to me, or have any kind of relationship.

DH knows all this about me. My daddy issues do not define me anymore like they used to, but when I have my days, he will hold me and is just here for me.

He actually just walked in and I told him what my blog post is about.

DH: See, I am afraid that you won't want this dynamic anymore once you get over your daddy issues.

Me: I am over my daddy issues, you know that. And this isn't like a hole that needs to be plugged  and then I am "normal" again. I want this.

DH: I know you think you do. I just hope that is true.

But daddy issues do not define me anymore. I am a grown woman, I have a wonderful husband, we have been together for a long time now, and we have two beautiful children. My daddy issues really are not that important anymore.




4 comments:

  1. I'm sorry to hear how your father failed you. But I'm very glad to hear you have such a wonderful husband.

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    1. fB, that is a great way of putting it, he really did fail me.

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  2. Aw, Julia, I'm so sorry to hear what happened with your father. That picture of the little girl's hand on the window brought tears to my eyes, I can't imagine. But I am happy for you that you have a wonderful and loving husband who can lead you through life. *hugs*

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    1. Thank you Riley. It really helped to write it down too.

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