Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Sneaking Food.

This last weekend was a bit more stressful than DH and I like, but unavoidable. We make the best of it. We try. There was a lot of step son drama (post tomorrow), but we managed to get maintenance in on Saturday, which was good. I am always so happy when we get to reconnect like that. DH has been working more lately too, comes home mostly on time, but then has to log on again. This is usually when I start to feel myself disconnect. I promise I am not that whiny and attention-whore-like, but sometimes I just want to have his attention too. Too much to ask? Maybe. Especially when he is that busy at work. I know that if he didn't have to, he wouldn't be working in the evening.

On Sunday night, I  started to go through kitchen cupboards looking for anything yummy to eat after every one was asleep. I found something too, and proceeded to eat it until I realized what I was doing. Sneaking food. God, I hate when I realize something like this myself. I went back to bed, and woke up feeling like I had eaten way too much. Which of course, I did. DH pulled me close as he was waking up, and I blurted out what I had done, feeling pretty shitty about having done it.
"Thank you for telling me, that can't have been easy." He kissed me on my forehead, and we got up. Needless to say, I didn't really feel any better about this, (still don't really, and I haven't touched those stupid things that are still in the cabinet again), and my mood started to go down the drain.

Depending on DH's schedule, we write some emails throughout the work day. Its a nice way to stay at least a little connected. He must have noticed my mood, told me we would 'talk' about it later. Honestly, that was good enough for me. I started to feel better, less guilty, but also less gross about myself.

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/great-butt-37.jpg?w=500
Once the kids were in bed, DH logged into work again, leaving me to my own devices, but when you know there is going to be a 'talk', concentrating on anything but can be quite difficult. At least for me. Finally, we went to bed, he had me get over his lap, and he spanked me. He lectured me a little, but then started talking about his work. Yep. During the spanking, I started to get to hear about this person, and what that person did. Don't get me wrong, I am always a happy listener, I love that he shares this part of his life with me, but not when it should have been my turn, right? Too selfish? Probably.
 I mean, doing ttwd can be hard, challenging, and yet soo rewarding! We weather everything together, we survive the busiest weeks with the glimmer of hope that we will have incredible sex or spanking or both at the end of it and then work intruded on it.
He spanked me a bit longer. I stayed very still. I haven't been doing very good at holding still, but I felt like I owed him staying still. When it was over, he indicated I could get up. I lay in his arms.
And silence.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing. No movements. No talking. No rubbing thumbs.
Nothing.
I asked him why he wasn't talking, and he said he didn't know what to say. We lay there another minute, when he turned to get the remote and started to watch TV and cuddled me.

I have never been the top, giving out a spanking, fun or no-fun in nature. But I am pretty sure some kind of reassurance would have been nice. Just another minute of alone time, heck maybe even two.


Tell me about the aftercare you like, need, crave, and/or receive. Please do! This was not right. I did not like it, and honestly, I have been struggling with this one.





And here is what I was listening too during my morning run!

33 comments:

  1. For me, the aftercare is essential. Steve has only failed to do it once because his phone rang as soon as he finished the spanking. While I understood he needed to answer the call, I still got upset and nearly ended up getting spanked again for attitude.

    Usually he just rubs my back or strokes my hair afterwards. If it looks like I might bruise, he'll rub arnica on my bottom. After a couple minutes, I'll curl up beside him and lay my head on his chest. We don't always talk, but I have to feel the comfort of his touch after a spanking.

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    1. Dana,
      Thanks for commenting and telling me about your 'after spanking experience'. I don't need to talk either, but I guess I just want some acknowledgement of wtf just happened.

      Delete
  2. Hi Julia

    I can feel the hurt almost. I'm sorry.

    I think after care is important. We do it every time after a proper spanking. Usually we have these at night in bed and after I just lay with him, with my head on his chest. We don't talk much. Usually I fall a sleep like that. That's ok i like that, he does a lot of lecturing during a spanking so we seem to be all talked out afterwards.

    I'm sorry you didn't get the after care you needed. I think you should definitely talk to your husband.

    Hugs x

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    1. Thanks Missy Jones. And thank you for sharing your after spanking experience. I never feel like it is finished when he just dumps me off his lap like that. Feels like he can't stand it anymore, which I doubt is the case, but is how I feel.
      I hate having to tell him, hey you are not spanking me right! You know? I don't want to do that at all, but at the same time, I believe after spanking my bottom that thoroughly, the least I could expect is some some togetherness.

      Delete
  3. I understand your feelings. When you wait all that time for an opportunity that makes it possible to reconnect, and it's not taken advantage of.... Oooh dear. And talking about work while otk? Um, I too am happy to listen all about Mitch's work, and do, a lot! But no, definitely not in these circumstances. I think you are being way more calm here than I would be. I think I would be throwing a mega hissy fit right now lol!
    But, I will say, I actually think DH must have been just a little distracted and well, just not thinking!
    I also feel your frustration, and if you're anything like me, hurt too? Hurt, as in, you may feel like you're not worth the effort? That it was all just a bit too casual rather than the usual intimacy? That it makes you feel that he is not taking this lifestyle seriously?
    Julia, I genuinely think he is as committed as you, maybe he just had an off day. It happens. Talk to him and tell him how his actions have made you feel. Because he needs to know as it's a two way thing.
    Let's hope he doesn't get that box out to cover lost ground though huh :)
    ((Hugs))

    Dee x

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    1. See, you got it. I do know that he is as committed as I am with this lifestyle. He made it a rule that I don't question his commitment anymore, which really was like a light switch in my head, but I do think he had was distracted and tired, and maybe should have rescheduled "that".

      Delete
  4. Hi Julia I hope your feeling better now that some time has past

    Bobbie and I just lay in bed with me rubbing her back, stroking her hair, there is not much talking she doesn't say much after a spanking :)

    I think you should show DH your blog, and it sounds like the two f you need some down time away from everyone for a few hours.

    I wish you well and hope you guys connect soon.

    Bob

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    1. I do feel better, thank you Bob. Enjoy your lady, tight in your arms. DH's and my favorite thing to do in the mornings!

      Delete
  5. Julia,


    I really need attention and focus during a spanking too, and most especially a disciplinary interaction! I think every woman does. I don't think it's too much to ask for and expect aftercare either. BUT, I also think it's hard for most of our guys to imagine how emotional it is to be on he receiving end of TTWD. I agree...send him this post, and talk to him, gently...explain how you feel, what you think you need. He can't know if you don't tell him, and it sounds like he tried to take care of you and does want to.

    Sara

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    1. You are right Sara, the whole ttwd dynamic must be so different from the other perspective. When we finally have some time to ourselves, I am going to bring it up. After all, I am not trying to be mean or anything but this really bothered me.

      Delete
  6. I'm so sorry Julia, I need that sort of attention and focus too or I can't let go of whatever is bothering me and there's nothing worse than a spanking without any resolution. It just sucks.

    He will read this right? Then you can talk.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, he is probably going to read this in about ten minutes. Gulp. On the other hand though, I know I have been telling him. Its not like this is a big surprise, I am just better at explaining why (or why not) here on my blog, than I am in person.
      And that is exactly it Susie. I feel like that spanking was supposed to make the issue be done with, check mark behind it, but it really wasn't. Just made me feel like work.

      Delete
  7. I'm so sorry for your hurt and frustration. Communication takes hearing as well as being heard. But these things we bottle up only serve to destroy what we want to begin with. I hope you both work this out and come out of it closer than ever before. ((hugs))

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    1. Yes, that is true. I have tried not to bottle up things anymore, because he is just human and can't guess what I am feeling. Which goes the other way around too of course. We have worked through it already, we know what went wrong, and we are both okay. Thank you!

      Delete
  8. I feel your hurt, and I would be also. If he is going to spank me I want him to concentrate on me...You need to tell him, or let him read the blog and comments.
    hugs abby PS..aftercare is a subject in itself..and absolutely necessary.

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    1. I was very hurt, and writing this just brought it back up, but it also helped me process it, and be done with it, you know?

      Delete
  9. If we ever have a reason for a spanking, it's a "reason," and not a reason. But aftercare is completely essential regardless. Sex, stroking, talking, touching. My husband will stroke my face and stare into my eyes while we talk - which is hard at first and gets easier as we go on. It's a way to bring me back to myself...

    I'm sorry to read about this. I know that neglected feeling too - my husband works once he gets home as well - mostly by choice. Some nights he's working right up until we need to be asleep.

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    1. Yes, that is a way to bring me back to myself, but also to him, which is why I think it is so important to do, even if there is no talking, but an acknowledgement of what just happened. Closure.

      Delete
  10. So sorry to hear this happened Julia. You sound very hurt and you certainly have a right to be. Once DH reads this post he will surely make amends as the way he adores you is very evident in your blog. It does sound like he was a bit distracted with work but still not OK to bring it up during that time. We all make mistakes but he does need to know how you feel.

    Master always has me kneel afterwards with my head in his lap while he rubs my back, sometimes we talk but not always. The cuddling is enough to bring on the reconnection

    Big hugs.
    db

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    1. Thanks for commenting. :) I was hurt, but its all part of the learning process. I am not hurt anymore, and we talked before I posted this.
      I know he isn't super human, and I know everyone can make a mistake. I don't even think of this as much as a mistake, as something I think we both need to improve on.

      Delete
  11. Crap, Julia, I'm sorry he missed what you needed. They try, but sometimes fall short. That's where love, faith, communication comes in. Int he end, of course you know this-it's that he tried that will matter the most-he'll try again.....
    Saoirse

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    1. You are so right Saoirse. So right!

      Delete
  12. Aw, i'm sorry to read that it's something your struggling with. I totally know that feeling. There were times when I really wanted .. and actually needed .. some type of aftercare and nothing really happened. In my opinion, ttwd, spanking, d/s, dd, whichever way you want to phrase it, it's an emotional ride for a lot of people. It's something that I don't think we'll ever truly "understand," and that's where the aftercare comes in. That feeling of connecting, the feeling of someone letting you know it's okay. So when it doesn't happen - it kinda just leaves you hanging. I think, like usual, communication is key. Don't keep it bottled in, because if you don't let him know, how will he know to work on it? I think, ideally, we just want them to know what to do - to be able to read us, but when it comes down to it, most of the time guys can be a little .. um .. (Ok I plead the fifth on what word to use, so you can fill in the blank. :p)

    I hope it works out and you feel better soon!

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    1. Yes, exactly, I needed something different that time. I needed more assurance, and I couldn't say it while lying there. I couldn't say: Um sweety, please reassure me more. But we didn't go to sleep angry or anything. Just unfulfilled a bit, hanging like you said.
      Communication is key! Just like for everything else!

      Delete
  13. Maybe you were both just a little out of sync...or maybe he didn't really grasp your guilty feelings about the secret eating? I would just (respectfully) bring it to his attention that it helps you to have a little more time post-spanking and then let this one go and see how things go next time. It can't be everything every time, you know? We don't really have a post-spanking ritual...seems to unfold differently depending on the situation.

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    1. Tess,
      We have been communicating over this, and have addressed it. He wants to write the next post...

      Delete
  14. Julia, I am sorry to hear that you didn't get what you needed and that the spanking left you so frustrated! Aftercare is important and I am sorry that you couldn't close the chapter on a happy note. In my opinion, the discussion has been a bit one-sided so far, though, so I hope it is okay with you if I bring in some different thoughts. I have to admit that after having read all those comments I feel very sorry for DH because I think that he is blamed for what in my view was a two-sided communication problem. So, I hope my comment doesn't offend you, but maybe it can add a different perspective.

    First of all, from your description I think that your assumption is right and that DH wasn't really focussed on the spanking and on your needs. But, despite of obviously having had a hard day at work that ate up his thoughts, he still tried very hard to fulfil your needs, even though he might have needed attention and support himself as well. He took the time to exchange e-mails with you, noticed your mood and promised to talk to you about it later. You raised an important point in one of your comments when you said that he probably should have rescheduled the spanking. But my question is: Imagine DH would really have done that, explaining to you that he wasn't in the right mood. Would you have written a happy post, praising him for being so honest with you and for accepting his limits? Or would you maybe have written a post about how inconsistent his behaviour was, how he didn't attend to your needs and how he didn't keep his promise to 'talk' to you? Of course only you can answer that question. However, what I want to say is: How much choice did DH really have, given your expectations? Did he really have a chance to do this right? And what about his own needs and energy levels? As a switch, I know how much energy one needs for topping even if it is only for a fun scene. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to lead such a serious session while being on a low energy level.

    Then comes the aftercare part. From your description it seems to me that DH obviously didn't push you away and deny you any aftercare. He just didn't do it the way you wanted him to. He didn't talk to you because he obviously was too drained and he even turned on the TV after a time of silence. But he held you and cuddled you. And you didn't really tell him what you needed, either. You asked him why he didn't talk and he honestly answered your question. Of course he didn't get the underlying hint, but to be honest, I don't understand why men are expected to get all these hints just because women often don't manage to say openly what they need. DH seems to be very keen to fulfil your needs even after a hard day of work and he seems to be happy when you are open and honest with him. So I don't think that he would have been offended if you had openly asked him for some more intense cuddling time or told him that you wanted to talk to him about how you felt about the spanking and the incident that led to it.

    [to be continued...]

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  15. [continued...]

    Last but not least: I have to admit that I don't find it very kind to discuss this topic in a post without having talked it through with DH first. I understand that it is easier for you to explain yourself in a written post which is of course perfectly fine. But why didn't you show the post to DH first and talk to him before publishing it for the whole world to read? I can understand that you needed some support from your online friends and that's what you got, too. But I keep asking myself, how would you feel if DH posted something similar and discussed your behaviour with other tops before talking to you? Maybe I am very extreme in that regard, but I expect Ludwig to always back me in public and to discuss critical things in private. I would feel very hurt if he ever posted anything negative about me or about a session that went wrong without having talked that through with me beforehand. But maybe that's different between DH and you, and he is absolutely okay with it. This is just my very personal gut feeling that came up when I read your post and the discussion.

    I hope I didn't come over as offensive (German straightforwardness, I guess) or maybe even patronizing! The essence of my comment is just to say that, while I absolutely understand your disappointment and your sadness, I think DH's situation isn't easy, either, which should also be taken into account. The positive thing is that I am sure that you can both do something to improve the communication and prevent similar disappointments in the future! I keep my fingers crossed.

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    1. Thanks for you very thoughtful response Kaelah! I send you an email!

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    2. Thank you very much for your kind e-mail, Julia! I have already sent you a reply. I am very happy that you weren't offended by my comment.

      But I am very sorry that I got you wrong concerning one important aspect! As you told me in your e-mail, you and DH had indeed talked about your post before you published it. So, I am very sorry about having criticised you for having published a post about something that went wrong between the two of you without having talked that through with your husband! I got the “show him the post later to let him know how you feel” comments and your replies to them wrong. Like you, I think that it is very important to also talk about the things that go wrong on a blog and to avoid the impression that everything always works out perfectly. Ludwig and I do that as well. I just find it important to talk these kinds of posts through beforehand which is obviously what you did! So, again, I'm sorry for having gotten that wrong.

      I was very happy to hear that rescheduling the spanking would have been a possible solution for you and that it wouldn't have given you the impression of being let down. So maybe that is indeed a possible way to avoid similar disappointments in the future.

      As I already said in my recent comment, I can absolutely understand why the situation made you so sad. I am sure it made DH sad, too. I just wanted to add a few thoughts about the difficulties the tops are facing because I had the feeling that this perspective had been missing in the discussion (and is generally often missing in discussions).

      I cross my fingers that the two of you will find a good solution and that it will bring you even closer together. :-)

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  16. Julia, I'm sorry I got to this late and I'm so sorry for your hurt and frustration and hope you are now feeling better. I would have felt much the same. Aftercare is essential for me and something my husband always does.

    (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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  17. Julia, I can't stop thinking about the experience you had. I have had similar in the past. I even asked my husband what he thought about what happened with your spanking and aftercare. He quickly said, he probably had something about work weighing heavily on his mind. Men, they are so simple. lol

    I saw this article and thought it may help Break Down Interpersonal Communication Barriers! http://www.myinterpersonal.com/communication-barriers.html

    If you have the time I recommend that you do as we did, a communication boot camp weekend. You can find out all about what we did here http://aspankedwifesphotoblog.blogspot.com/2012/06/communication-boot-camp-follow-up.html I hope it helps you. Communication is so important and yet it can be so hard at times.

    Warm wishes to you and yours, Julia!

    Lily

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    1. Its funny how sometimes a post just sticks with you, I agree. Thanks for coming back and leaving this thoughtful response.
      DH and I have noticed that this time around the miscommunication didn't derail us like it usually does. We are both much more secure in our roles and can understand what happened.
      But going to your blog, DH stumbled on this post of yours, and is very intrigued....

      Delete

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