Thursday, June 20, 2013

Anxiety and TTWD

Thanks for your encouraging comments guys! As we had all suspected, it is just part of this thing we do, and I was tired of being neglected and reached out through this rather drastic measure, my blog, to reach my husband, to let him know what I needed. Apparently my words hadn't been enough, but the written down words were. 

I am happy to report, he got the message. And so did I. Next time I feel that way, I will take Ponyboy's advice and take matters into my own hands. 

Yesterday, stepson started a new job and was gone until about 11 pm. I was happily awaiting DH to come home when I received a text from that ex-friend of mine. She still has some very treasured stuffed animals and was holding them ransom, trying to lure me to her house. DH had forbidden me to respond to her. Sounds a bit severe I think, but appropriate to me because this situation has totally overwhelmed me.
I lost it. My heart started beating fast, trying to jump out of my body, I kept checking the front of the house, thinking she is just going to show up here. My anxiety levels were steadily rising, overwhelming me, leaving me unable to form complete thoughts. (This was all at the dinner table).
"Stop looking out the window. She is not going to just show up here, and even if she does, you don't have to worry about her, I will deal with it."
He had caught me looking out the window one too many times.
After dinner he sent me to take a shower, after which I crawled into bed. (Now thinking about this, it doesn't even make sense anymore, but that is what happened).
I listened to DH take care of our children, talk to people on the phone, but I wasn't really listening, I was just listening to the sound of his voice, not the words. Just hearing his voice was calming my beating heart, making me able to keep taking a breath at a time.

The children finally asleep, he came to me,  pried the blanket slowly off me to peak in on me, thinking I was asleep. "I am just hiding...."
He took me over his lap, discovering the white panties I had put on earlier just for him, and stroked me for a while. We talked. He wanted to connect through the spanking, but before he could even start, my flood gates opened and I cried. 
I feel embarrassed to think about not being able to handle the ending of a friendship, but I just can't. She has said so many very hurtful things, and is now pretending to be the hurt party. 
DH rubbed my back, held me. When my breathing calmed down again, he leaned over awkwardly, and looked right at me. It was such a personal moment. He was right there. He looked right into me. Saw everything. 

He never actually spanked me, but held me. Sometimes it is just the position and intend, not even the actual act that does it. I feel so loved by him, it is very humbling.

22 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear about your former friend. Doesn't sound like she is letting you go easily, maybe you and DH should talk about a way to have some closure on it so she'll leave you alone.

    ~PB

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    1. Thanks PB, Yeah she really isn't. I was done last week, but we really wanted those stuffed animals. :)
      But yeah, I don't get people like her, making me wonder why I was friends with her in the first place, making me question my friendship skills, and all that. But the bottom line is, I don't want somebody like her in my or my children's life.

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    2. nothing wrong with trusting someone and then learning the hard way that they weren't to be trusted than approaching everyone you meet for the first time as someone who shouldn't be trusted, you shouldn't fault yourself for that.

      I hope you get your stuffed animals back.

      ~PB

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    3. I got my stuffed animal back (had given it to my youngest to help her sleep there), but she didn't give back my daughter's cat. Maybe she didn't find it, maybe she really is just that much of a bitch. But I am happy to be done with her! Thanks PB

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  2. Wonderful that he knew exactly what you needed. I agree, being in 'that' position makes for open hearted communication.
    hugs abby

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    1. Thanks abby, and yes it does. He was just so in my face, but in the best way possible, lol.

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  3. I'm sorry you lost a friend and that she has said so many hurtful things. I lost my closest friend last year and I know how painful it can be. I wish you the best, I know it's not easy.
    Hugs
    Kim

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    1. It really isn't. Did it make you more cautious meeting potential new friends? I know that it has for me already done that. It is hard to form friendships with this in the background.
      Thank you Kim.

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    2. It hasn't made me cautious making new friends but it has made me close down with existing friends. I'm usually very open person and trust too much. Now I keep my walls up and never let my friends in to much because the pain of loosing my best friend was too much and I never want to go through that again. Don't get me wrong, I still share my life but I'm much more cautious on how much I let them in. It really is a life altering thing to go through and I'm hoping some day I can trust again.
      Kim

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  4. That reconnection sounds so perfect, I'm happy for you :) Losing a friend is always hard, especially when it's the petty stupid stuff of teenagers. We know that we should just move on, but it's so hard to ignore those feelings of betrayal, hurt, embarrassment. I'm glad he was there for you through that. We love you! :)

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    1. Aww, that is so sweet of you Rosie!

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  5. Please try harder to NOT allow this to make you question your friendship skills. Speaking as one of us here who are looking in at that friendship from the outside I think SHE is the one whose friendship skills, well, suck.

    You have become an important friend to me very quickly (via cyberspace but still...)

    And it is totally understandable that you would grieve the loss of this friendship. You are not actually grieving the loss of what it had become lately, but rather, more like grieving the death of the friendship that it USED to be, back when it was good. I'm so glad that DH is wise enough to recognize all that and be there for you through it all. Many men would never be able to "get" that!

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    1. Rednakedy - you put this right, try harder, which is so true for me. I value your friendship and your advice, I really do.
      After reading your comment last night, I had to let it swirl through my mind for a bit first, but you are right, I am grieving the loss of this friendship. I really liked her and hanging out with her. I trusted my children around her. But it hadn't been like that the last little while anyway.
      My man is amazing! He has been here and so understanding. Making me wish everybody had somebody special like him in their lives.

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  6. Awwwww! I love is. DH did just what you needed. So sweet!

    I am so sorry about your loss of friendship. It does make it hard to trust again, but you will. It's not your fault she didn't show her true colors right away. This will get easier. Hang in there.

    (((Hugs)))

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    1. Yes, he was very sweet, and has been since.
      I feel like I don't ever want to try the friendship thing again, but at the same time, I know that feeling won't last forever, I have too many potential good friends around me already!

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  7. Hi Julia,

    I'm new to your blog, but I think you've got a really sweetheart of a husband. Girlfriend drama is hard on us and even harder on our husbands - but I'm so glad that he is determined to protect you and to comfort you.

    :) Cali

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    1. Thanks Cali, and welcome to my blog! Happy to have you!
      And yes, he really can be a sweetheart, and girlfriend drama must be so hard for the guys. He has been amazing!

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