Monday, August 26, 2013

What a weekend

Alright, I think I am ready for writing this post. I have my coffee right next to me, still steaming hot, and the kids are busy and should leave me to ponder for at least a bit.

What happened?
More exactly, what happened over the last month or two?
Well, as it turns out, losing your job within three months of starting it, makes a man really focus on work: finding work, having work, and doing a fairly good job to avoid being canned again. Which means DH was very focused on the end result, meaning work. Again, I understand that. But when DH gets really focused on something (that isn't me) he tends to not see the stuff on the side. Some of these things are easy to put aside for a bit, others (like me) don't do so well being put on the shelf.
So over the last few weeks, I have been hinting about this. I have mentioned how I would like a spanking, we have communicated about it. Every once in a while he would get kind of into it, but then lost his track of thought again, and I was on the side again.
At that point, I would back off again, clearly he wasn't ready, but I kept trying, but I also tried to just remind him I am still here, without pressuring him. After all, I want to let him lead me, and can't do that, if I am the one pulling the strings. So, I figured, he knows what he is doing, and I will trust him.

But he wasn't coming back to me. Does anyone else know this? He was here, but not present. He would go into his office for hours, making me go to bed by myself. Once again. He was shutting me out.

And the thing is, I am very empathetic. I can understand him and give him that, but seriously only for so long. There has to be something in between to keep me going.

And through all this, I am pretty sure DH knew all this to a degree, which made him feel even guiltier, pulling away more. AHhh, how lovely. He was pulling away more. 

So things blew up on Friday night. Seriously. It was ugly. My marriage article thing? Yeah non of that. I was so hurt, crying, and he seemed to take it like I was playing out this drama on purpose.
In the middle of it (which in the moment felt like it might be our last alone moment ever), he asked what now? No more ttwd?
"Maybe we should take a break, mend ourselves. Find ourselves without adding the pressure onto your plate." And I meant every word. I could do without. Cause I have been living without it for a while now. And he didn't seem to see it that way.
When we first started dating, we talked about "old" people and I asked him whether he thought they still have sex. And he said that he hopes so because to him a marriage without sex is over.
"If we stop doing ttwd, I won't have sex with you anymore, and then we might as well divorce."  Wow. What? What the fuck just happened? I thought we were fighting, but this was just bad.

I started crying again. I don't even know if he understood me. Oh, how pretty, a crying woman. And I told him that is exactly how we have been over the last while and he seemed to be fine with it. So, I wasn't sure why he was throwing such a fit now...

Now, I know my words (that he did understand) hurt him. It could have had something to do with me accusing him of having some man issues, and that I would be fine to put the pants back on to lead this family if he wasn't willing to. I am and was sorry to have said it, but you know what? At some point you have to be less polite to get a point across, in my opinion. It was ugly but (sorry DH) effective. ( I hate admitting that)

That night, we didn't really resolve anything, but we  both came to the conclusion that we were too tired and emotional. We both said where we thought we were to assure the other person, and I slept. The next morning, I woke early and got up, and just stared, thinking, waiting for him to wake up. When he did, we sat down, in the day light, looked each other in the eyes, and talked.

So, we started with the crappiest Friday in recent history, to having a modified DD bootcamp Sat and Sunday. DH wants to write about this....

And I got laid.


                                                                                                                                             

28 comments:

  1. Happy something came of a horrible day.

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    1. Yeah, true true. :) Thanks sunnygirl!

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  2. Well, first of all, we have been listening to that Avicii song a lot here lately (but we've already established that you and I like a lot of the same music:)
    Secondly, I think sometimes it takes getting through a bad day like that to be able to get somewhere new. Like, something had to give, you know? And it sounds like it did...in a pretty big way!

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    1. Yes, we do like a lot of the same music, and I was just on your blog seeing if I had missed anything. Here you are though!

      Yeah it was a bad day, and it had been leading up to it too for a while now. I am glad we got passed it. For now.

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    2. OH, funny thing. I first heard this song about a week ago, send it to my family in Germany, and apparently this is THE summer hit in Germany!

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  3. Hi Julia,
    I'm sorry you had such a bad day but am glad it's better. We had a horrible wheek and I understand where or coming from.
    Hugs,
    Kim

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    1. Yeah it wasn't just one bad day either. This had been simmering for a while too.
      I hope you will be a in a better place soon too.

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  4. Hi Julia!

    WOW! I'm so sorry that you had such a rough Friday night. But on the flip side it sounds like it might have started a communication fest! If you don't deal with things right away and sweep them under a rug, it becomes like a volcano. All that lava is boiling under the surface, eventually it's going to erupt, and it sounds like it did. I think you both made a good decision going to bed and trying again when you have gotten some sleep and start fresh.

    My hubby was out of work for a while and it did some horrible things to him and his manhood. He felt so inadequate and worthless. And I think they feel "how the hell can I be HOH when I don't even have a job???" It takes away from their manhood when they can't support their family! I'm glad that he got a job and you might start seeing a difference in him. Well you did, you got some, right?? YAY

    Unfortunately I have to agree with you and have done it too....."At some point you have to be less polite to get a point across" Sometimes I feel like I'm topping from the bottom.

    Subrina <3

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    1. Oh I forgot to say....I'm looking forward to DH's blog post!! I'm interested to see what he has to say!

      Subrina <3

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    2. Thanks Subrina, and I see that you know exactly what I was talking about. The job thing really is a tough one for the guy and the woman. Leaves me to wonder how some couples deal with it when she makes more than him, although maybe that is really just something that would bother DH, although there must be more men that feel that way.
      I hate topping from the bottom.

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  5. Sorry you had such a bad day, but glad things are working out. Sadly I know all to well about pulling away and not having things work out as well as you had planned, but sometimes a good fight gets things back on track :)

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    1. Yup, a fight can really do that, but I am not a fighting person at all, very hard for me.

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  6. Aw Julia sounds like you two had a lot going on. Blow ups happen, it's part of love even if it's hard. At least you care enough to blow up, bright side of it anyway. I am glad that things went better over the weekend with the modified bootcamp. I'm hoping things are starting to come back to center now. ((((hugs)))

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    1. Thanks Riley, I hope so too. It seems like it has been way to long...

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  7. (((((Hugs))))))

    Balance is so illusive sometimes.

    Hugs,
    Fiona

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  8. Feel like I've been going through something sort of similar. (except not the happy boot camp ending...)

    hugs to you!

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    1. Yeah the happy boot camp ending was really kind of awesome! I hope you guys get to a similar place soon!

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  9. Julia,

    I'm sorry you had such a bad day on Friday and a blow up. It sounds as though this was good overall as it led to communication, mini boot camp and, ultimately, some reconnection. That disconnect is awful.

    I hope this is a sign of things turning the corner for you.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Yes, it did, you voice of reason, but it was horrible, lol. I am starting to smile about what happened Friday, which is good. But Saturday morning, I thought my world was ending. Seriously.

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  10. omg. i am SO happy i just read the previous post before reading this because i was worried about you. sometimes men can be just as melodramatic as women, if you ask me. and why jump right to divorce? they should never be allowed to throw in the D card. the end!

    i'm thrilled you got laid. i have to tell you though, that i am in the same boat. hubby just started a new school year which is always like starting a new job because he's trying to get to know the kids. ugh. i'm still waiting and i'll keep you posted!

    glad you're ok!
    hugs,
    m.

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    1. Oh, DH can be super dramatic, way more than I would ever think of being... and yes, I mean divorce, really? That is just so far below the belt, its not even on my radar. It would never occur to me.

      And I can't wait for school to start. I don't feel as frazzled as I did last summer, but it still has been a long time, and I know my kids are ready too. I hope your husband gets used to it fairly quickly, this 'new job' phase is wearing on me...:)

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  11. I have a guy that works really long hours in the sun. I get that present ....but not thing. I think that life throws us so many curve balls that we sometimes forget each other. I am happy to hear about the better understanding at the end of it all. Was the boot camp just what you needed?

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    1. The boot camp was effective. I liked it. But at the same time, its going to require long-term commitment to ttwd for me really trust that he wants to and is doing this with me. You know? The bootcamp was interesting. Really liked it. :)

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  12. sent you an email but the short answer is, yes, "old people" do still have sex. At least in my house.

    Here is something that kinda goes with the email I sent you...

    http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/2d/af/77/2daf77147da4f6bb3853eee91d5e3b28.jpg

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  13. I'm smiling. Loved your blog ending :)
    Glad you've both talked things out. And um....... Enjoy your weekend :)

    Dee x

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