Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Submissive Doesn't Equal Doormat

One topic of conversation that has come up more lately between DH and I is whether I am behaving submissively enough. This has come up twice now in heated conversations, and I think it deserves its own post.
I see submission as something I give him willingly, but not something that I can give if I don't agree with it. Lol. How submissive is that?
But seriously.
After DH was laid off in 2008, making a lot of money, he was so angry, he wouldn't even try to look for work, saying the economy was so bad anyway. Needless to say, that was a low point in our relationship. I wasn't running our finances, he was. And he kept things from me, to protect me I think, but ultimately, this cost us a lot of money. DH is very American and just put things on one credit card. And then another, and another.
We have been working our way out from underneath this pile, slowly, and it certainly has stalled over the last 6 months.
I took over our finances when he went back to work in 2011, and I have been doing a great job at it. I
have always had a knack for saving money, and so this is my area of expertise.
This month is a bit tight. And by a bit, I mean, don't spend any cause we don't have any. We have a little left in savings now, but I am a person who would rather keep it in savings until we really need it and not get it out just because we have it.

This morning, our conversation was about money. How can he be the HoH if he is not in charge of the money? I think this is a pretty good question since he got really pissy about it. And its kind of true, isn't it? How can he be the leader of our family if I am the one telling him he can or cannot spend that money on that thing now?
In our relationship, we build a fail-safe into it, lol. No seriously. I have the right to call him out, and sometimes that takes me being bossy to get his attention. Maybe you think I could do that less asshole-like? Well, I have tried, and no that doesn't work. When he gets into it, only Mrs Bossypants will reach him, get him back down, and let  him lead again.

We figured it out for now, but the question keeps coming back, how can he be the HoH when I am not being submissive?


Well. I think I am being submissive, but I am not letting it cloud our finances. I know what is right for it, and I have a really good track record. I think this is something every couple has to figure out for themselves, isn't it? I could speak more submissively I guess, but honestly I know him and that wouldn't work on him.
One of the first things he said after I brought up ttwd is that he didn't want to be married to a doormat.


Well, You are not!!


22 comments:

  1. He may be the HOH, however that does not always mean that he knows best how to deal with every aspect of life. No one knows everything about everything. There are always areas where one person in a relationship is better at something than the other. That takes nothing away from the HOH. If you handle finances better than he does then you should be in charge of that. Does he tell you how to cook a pot roast? Or do the laundry? Or any number of things that are considered your responsibility? Maybe just be sure to include him and discuss how you're handling things.

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    1. Exactly, right? He just doesn't like when I tell him we can't afford something. But I honestly think that is left-over from his first marriage. He always makes me feel like Scrooge McDuck in those moments....

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  2. I have always done the finances in our marriage and when we started DD I wanted him to take over. I felt like if he handled the finances, he would feel more like the leader. Well, he doesn't want to, he says, as the HOH, he is delegating the finances to me. That this is a leaders job, to decide who is best at what and delicate properly.
    Kim

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    1. Oops, I mean delegate not delicate. I hate auto correct!
      Kim

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    2. Thank you Kim. And you are right, it is the leader's responsibility. And I told him that if he really wants to do that, then of course I will, but after explaining the situation, he knew why I said no. Yet, still...

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  3. I can see your logic and understand the point about the HOH handling the money but i do think its also about recognising each others strengths, if you are better and more efficient at handling money then its the sensible and practical soloution for you to handle it....its not making him less of a HOH.

    But yes i can see how for him its a difficult one.

    and yes submissive certainly does not equal doormat, if anything it takes a lot of inner strength to hand over ourselves to someone elses authority....but it should always be for the greater good, what makes each other happy.

    x

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  4. I can't add anything more to these ladies.

    Maybe after you pay the bills, set him down and explain how much money went where. Explain how much money you have to last until a certain date.

    Also, you can try giving him cash to use on everything except gas for his vehicle. No using plastic.

    I guess I had a little something to add ;)

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  5. That is such a hard one. And "trusting" in one spouse or the other to handle the finances is a factor in it too. It really can't be separated out. Even after more than 25 years we still don't have that one totally worked out all the time.

    We recently sat down and made a HUGE "wish/want/need list" together (along with their expected costs attached)and then we prioritized everything on the list while NOT in the presence of the other person. Not in a this is first, this is second, etc. way and I don't mean that any of the regular "bills" was even on the list---just the other kind of stuff. It was more of a "top priority" "moderately important" and "meh" kind of way. I was pleasantly surprised at how many of our top priorities category matched up. It also opened the door to a frank discussion about some of the things that ONE really wanted while for the other it just didn't even hit their radar.

    I don't think I've been any help with this subject. I can sure say that I GET where both of you are coming from. All too well. And for the record I'm the one who "spared" him the worry in those years where credit cards had to be used just to survive. It's not like he/we could really do anything at the time to avoid it or even improve it because we were already doing the best we could. But it does totally suck to try to dig your way back out from under it.

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    1. Mh, that might actually be interesting! I think that is exactly what we should do!

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  6. And on a lighter note----Guess what day it is?

    http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5505/9613407325_56c0c04a29_m.jpg

    (I REALLY hope that link works!)

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    1. Haha, that is horrible! I can't believe she thinks by doing this her audience will see her as more grown up! But its a funny hump day!

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  7. Hi Julia!

    I totally can relate to this. I have always taken care of the finances, and not very well I might add....but when we started TTWD/Ds we decided that he would take over that job. We decided it for the same reason he said....if he's going to be the HOH then he should handle this. So far it has worked for us....but we have had out little hiccups. I get really mad at him but we do work it out.

    I have to advice or input....the posts before me have done a great job at that. I'm sure you guys will make it work. Good luck!

    Subrina <3

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    1. When he was doing the finances his standard phrase for when I left the house was "Have fun - Don't spend any money!"

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  8. Hi Julia,

    I don't think I can add much to what the other ladies have already said. I agree that we each have our own strengths and that we should each handle the different aspects of life that we are best it. II don't think it detracts at all from our individual roles within the relationship. As Lynn said, maybe just make sure you include him and discuss how you are handling things.

    Totally agree with you too. Submission does not equal doormat.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Thanks Roz. :)

      It was more of a general rant. DH knows I feel this way and agrees with me (at least in the end). :)

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  9. We all have strengths and weaknesses and a smart HOH recognizes that and uses those strengths accordingly. So you go girl and do what you do best.

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  10. A good leader, whether it be of a household, or a business, sports team etc... Understands what his or her weaknesses are and can delegate accordingly based on those strengths and weaknesses.

    Some of the worst leaders anywhere, are the ones who think they have to do everything, even if they suck at it. Ironically, not good leadership.

    At least in my opinion.

    ~Ponyboy

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  11. :) hugely interesting post Julia. And fair points

    Dee x

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  12. Did you know that you can create short links with Shortest and earn cash from every visit to your short urls.

    ReplyDelete

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