Saturday, January 18, 2014

The Little Black Dress

When I was 14 years old, I was standing in a store with my then boyfriend. He was my first love, my first kiss and we had our first time together. The store was a little one in a little town in Germany, therefore the sizes were, of course, mostly S to L, and the styles available were also very limited. We went into the store after school together. We had been holding hands during every break in school, kissing during lunch, and then decided to skip the last class of the day and went into town together.

"I want you to wear a dress, I want to see you in a dress." He pointed to really long ones on the wall.

"I don't look good in a dress, I am too fat, and these are not even my size, and even if it should fit, I don't have any money to spend on a dress." I told him, meaning every word.

"I have money, I will buy it for you." He insisted. And I kept going saying no.

That was one of our first fights. One of the things I still remember to this day is him telling me, some months later after the dress incident, that I would be his dream girl, if I just lost a little weight.

Anyway, I did not try on a dress that day.

In fact, it took me ten years to even consider that I may not look that terrible in a dress after all and at least give it a try. It took me another five to even buy one, and then two more years of the dress hanging in my closet for me to actually put it on and go out in it.

Not feeling comfortable wearing a dress kept me from joining all the other teenagers in attending dance school, well, that and the fact that I was taller than every guy in the class and couldn't even consider having to look down into a dance partners face. Shudder.
Then I left Germany at 18, and therefore missed all my friends weddings and occasions to dress up and party and dance.

This last September, I finally found a LBD. I had lost some weight, felt pretty good in it, and bought it. I have even worn it a time or two.

Last week, DH announced that his company is finally having their holiday party this Friday at a local club, and after thinking about logistics, we actually made an effort to go and attend. I was kind of excited - you know, spend adult time with my husband, go out together, maybe dance, maybe a drink or two (for me).

I spend all week worrying about my outfit, went and found perfect ballet flats for not too much money, bought stockings, did my hair, my make-up, my nails, and we dropped off the children at the babysitters.

We drove to our favorite restaurant in Seattle first and had a lovely meal together, just enjoying each others company. After, we set the GPS for the club and went only to arrive and find  the place looking dead. We got out and looked around. Sure enough, closed for renovations. And of course no new address.

Maybe Seattle has two such clubs? Probably even more, but at least two with identical names, and we ended up not going to the party. We couldn't find it. Back in the car, tears running down my face, trying to hide this from DH, I knew he would lose it if I did. But every look at my fingernails brought new tears running down my cheek, and honestly still does typing this. Every time I looked at my new sparkling shoes, that I had bought with dancing in mind, made my tears start falling faster. My legs were freezing, reminding me of my new (fucking cold) stockings, and the fact that everything I had imagined that evening to be was not going to happen, was too much for me to just swallow.

We ended up sitting in a parking lot instead, kind of talking, waiting for time to pass so we could pick up the kids from the babysitter. After all, we didn't want them to have a bad night too.

I tried. I really tried to get over it. We had been having a great evening. But after that disappointment, I felt like DH didn't care enough to take care of the details. I felt like he didn't care if we danced or not, or went or not really, and that LBD was feeling less and less attractive on me.
After a few minutes of silence in the car he stopped looking at me, stopped trying to converse, and just shut down.

We shuffled the children into their beds and went straight into ours too. We talked, we snuggled, we slept.

I am not blaming him, shit happens, but that doesn't change the fact that I am hurt and really disappointed.


But one thing I have learned since we started doing ttwd is that not talking doesn't help. I tried to write this post to explain to him exactly why I am so disappointed, but not to make him feel bad, just to make myself feel a little better.
Another thing I have learned over the last two years is to be more active, to rely on exercise, because I feel better every single time I go running. So I am grabbing my oldest, putting her on her bike and we are going running in the sunshine because after three days of 50-yard visibility due to fog, I am ready for some Vitamin D and fresh air!

22 comments:

  1. Aww Julia, I'm so sorry the night turned out the way it did. I think you took a really great first step in writing this post, and I bet DH will really appreciate the honesty.

    I bet you looked fabulous in your LBD, and I hope you have another opportunity to put it on again soon. Maybe one night if you guys have some alone time, you can even wear it just for him!

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    Replies
    1. Kenzie,

      Writing this sure help, and I honestly thought it would too.

      Thank you. :)

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  2. Julia,
    Do you live in Seattle?
    Meredith

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    Replies
    1. Yup, I sure do! Did you have crazy fog over the last two days at your place too?

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    2. Indeed we do! Although we enjoy a little sunshine just before it gets dark. I really enjoy your blog and your tumblr.
      Meredith

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    3. Thanks Meredith, that is really nice to hear. :)

      Delete
  3. Hugs. I'm so sorry. I know that place- of how you felt- and I hate it. Hope you get (got) your sunshine!
    -Elle

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Elle, it is amazing what writing, running, and sunshine can do for your soul. I feel so much better. Thanks for being here.

      Delete
  4. Aww Julia, I'm so sorry the evening went this way and you were left feeling hurt and disappointed. I hope writing it here has helped.

    I too bed you looked fabulous and hope you can get the opportunity to wear it again soon. Maybe you could organise a date night, just the two of you where you can wear it out?

    ((Hugs))
    Roz

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    Replies
    1. Roz,
      Writing sure did help, channel all the thoughts swirling through my mind.

      Our wedding anniversary is coming up, so (cough cough) I am sure DH is already busy planning something!

      Delete
  5. Aww, I'm so sorry. I think most of us can relate to how you were feeling. It's not every day that we are able to get dressed up in our LBD and just feel good about ourselves. I bet you looked fabulous! I bet once DH reads this, he will start planning a special date night for your anniversary:)

    Isn't it great how a little bit of sunshine and some exercise can perk you up? Hope your feeling better.
    Kim

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    Replies
    1. Exactly, it really isn't every day, and this was the first work party DH has had to get dressed up for. Well, hopefully we can make this up for both our sake's. I know DH was disappointed too.

      The sunshine and running felt great!

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  6. You really did look SO HOT in your dress, Sweety! I'm sorry the party didn't work out, but I loved going out with you.

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    Replies
    1. You know, I keep seeing you sitting across from me at the Indian place, loosing your train of thought....:D

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  7. Aww I can totally relate to so much of this post. I'm so sorry your night didn't turn out like you planned or hoped for. Maybe you and DH can plan another night to go, yes it isn't the same I know... but maybe when you have had a chance to settle over this you will want to try again with just the two of you.

    hugs and love
    sara

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Sarah, I really appreciate your comment, and I think DH is already thinking about planning something...:)

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  8. Awwww. So sorry. Try to consider it to be a "dress rehearsal?"

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    Replies
    1. Definitely a more positive way to look at it!

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  9. I'm sorry Julia. Would he consider another night? It wouldn't be that company party but hey, those are way over-rated anyway. You need to try out those shoes and that dress.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He probably would, but you are right, it won't be a company party. Maybe that could be a good thing though....
      Thanks Susie. :)

      Delete
  10. Oh no, i'm sorry your night turned out so bad. And good on you for writing this. Perhaps another special night may be on the cards now? And at least you got dinner together first too!

    Ps, i'm sure you looked amazing in your dress!!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, and I was so glad we had enjoyed dinner first too!

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