Tuesday, May 20, 2014

I'm With You

Hi, DH here!  I've been thinking a lot after Julia's last post.  Especially about what she said about my nature not including a "top" side that translates into regular discipline for her.  I've really wracked my brain trying to figure out this dynamic - why am I like that?  Why don't I take her to task for leaving her hair in the shower (or any of the other infractions we've agreed on)?

I'm a competent guy.  Really competent.  And I love it when everyone around me is succeeding like I am.  For example:  in 9 minute, I'm going to drive my son to his job, drive back to my house, and then drive to work myself.  He doesn't have a car, and he needs to work (better than NOT working and being underneath Julia's feet all day), and I know that I can get him there, get back, get dressed, get to work, and get on with my day faster than I can type this.  I REALLY rock.  Really.  So, in Julia's case, most of the time I feel like I'm with her.  Whatever I can do to make her life better; "her wish is my command," if you will.  I know what she likes, and I love doing things like getting her special chocolate milk for coffee in the morning.

But, this exceptional quality has its downside.  She feels like I'm not LEADING her.  I think she feels like I'm more of a butler than a husband sometimes.  A really good, outstandingly competent, incredibly sexy (and not looking my age AT ALL).... butler.   And I think it's OK to be that way (it's my natural tendency after all), but I've realized an important truth that I'm going to be manifesting over the next few weeks.  It really is all about attitude in the end, and living true to how you feel.

Sweety: you're with me.

18 comments:

  1. You can't change who you are, but even the butler can be upset if something is not done the way he likes and spanking's benefit both of you, right.

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    1. Yes! And I think it's OK to enable people to succeed, without putting myself underneath them, if that makes any sense! ;)

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  2. It's so difficult to see through the fine line there is with kindness and wanting to have (well for me)Ty to be the dominant. When he does something nice for me, I have learned, or trying to learn, that this is his way of taking care me. And as the head of our house, knowing my needs and wanting to make me happy is a good thing. But thinking that he is being to nice is something I am working on. Taking care of me is part of leading me, it shows me that he cares and wants to make me happy. Ty always tells me how much he appreciates letting him be the Hoh and my support. But roles sometimes, consistently, need to be reinforced. I need to be reminded that he is leading and I am trusting him to do so.
    But that is just what we are finding works. There are no tests of submission. He is and I am.
    I am very sure that the two of you will figure this all out. I enjoy reading your blog because I admire your relationship and I learn a lot from it

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    1. Hi Blondie - thanks for your comment, that is exactly where I'm at: Finding the balance between being kind and helpful, and also dominant! It's hard, lol! :-D Julia has continued to be patient with me as we struggle through this, but I agree with you, I'm going to get my end sorted and we'll figure it out. (y)

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  3. This is a really great and honest post. It's hard sometimes to look inside ourselves and figure out: what gives? It sounds like you've got a handle on it though :) Have you heard of the book, The Five Love Languages? It talks about how people express and feel love in different ways, like gift giving, service, quality time, etc. Well for "our kind"(lol) I think that a 6th love language is needed. We could call it "consistent discipline", and almost nothing is better for showing a sub that you love her :)

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    1. Hi River Wild - no, I haven't heard of that title, I will look it up on Amazon tonight. I absolutely agree with you on consistent discipline, and I know I can provide it for Julia, even when it doesn't seem possible to me. :)

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  4. Wonderful and honest post DH and some great comments above. Rick is like you and Ty and I agree with Blondie. Doing things for me and making my life easier is his way of taking care of me and effectively leading.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Thanks, Roz! Yeah, I agree with Blondie and also River about the 6th language of love being consistent discipline. It's really nice to know that other men are like this too. :)

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  5. Hi DH! My husband can be exactly how you describe yourself! Being a great partner, intuitive and compassionate doesn't mean you can't discipline! It's getting into that place.
    You should be you! You can also be the way you both need!

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    1. Hi Minelle - yep, exactly! I do really need to be myself and also regularly discipline. :)

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  6. Well I'm sure Julia wouldn't mind a naked butler from time to time :) Refreshing, honest and amusing post. Just do what you're doing and throw in that 'Dom' thing fairly regularly and you're laughing :)

    Dee x

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    1. Hi Dee! Ha ha I just imagined Julia's face as she reads this post! She LOVES a naked butler! :p

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  7. My husband is very much a caretaker. As Blondie said that is his love language. I too have said things like " I don't want a wife" which in truth is really not fair to him. As the others said, you have to be you. I think it is MM who calls it Servant Leadership. Being a leader doesn't mean being a jerk. Also being led doesn't mean that we have to take these gifts given to us by our husbands as a weakness.
    Sounds to me like you both have to communicate further about this. When I am stressed, my husband tries to take more things off of my plate- even if I am b*tchy towards him. I used to get so incredibly frustrated with him that he wouldn't 'reset' me. The truth is he was leading the way he needed to, and thought would help. We are still so much a work in progress this way.

    As far as not disciplining on things you both agreed upon- maybe you should revisit these things. Perhaps for you personally they really aren't that bothersome. I know for my husband if he doesn't feel it ( the rule) he won't enforce it. While dropping a rule can be disappointing, in but if you aren't enforcing , that does more damage in the long run.

    Good luck finding a common ground and understanding. I know it is tough and frustrating to be in both positions.
    Willie

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    1. Hi Willie, thank you for your comment. You're absolutely right about revisiting things that we agreed on were "offenses" but don't really bother me. There are other items (like her running 3 times a week) that have been hard to manage too (she's been sick). So, an honest evaluation is definitely in order. :)

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  8. Hey DH,
    It may sound backwards, but my husband would nod his head at all you are doing. His way of leading is to love and serve me in all sorts of ways and he doesn't see it as weakness at all. It is his way of taking care of me. He'll send me away after dinner if I'm tired and clean up the kitchen. It is leadership because it's putting my needs before his.

    I can see how Julia may be feeling if you are helping her in lots of ways but not being consistent in areas you've agreed on. I'm sure you've already had a big talk about it.

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    1. Hi Susie - thank you, it's SO NICE to hear about other guys who thing like me! I chose to work at a company that is led by women, just so I wouldn't have to deal with Type A(**hat) people anymore. I gave Julia a spanking last night which I'm going to have to blog about... :-D

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  9. Hey DH and Julia,
    I have read and re-read this post. This one hits home, thank you for posting DH. My Man is not too interested in reading other blogs but I am going to ask him to read this post.

    We find ourselves in a similar spot. And, I would say that Blondie's comment is right. The fine line between kindness and Dominance can be a difficult one. Your point of view is helpful, I hope to have my Man read here too.

    XOXO Pearl

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  10. Hi Pearl - thanks for your comment! Yeah, I would say that this issue has been my highest hurdle in this thing we do. But things have been going much better, since I've realized that I'm a SETTER (I set the tone and emotions for people around me), not a GETTER (merely reflect). It really helps me relax and be dominant without having to "remember", if that makes any sense. Good luck!

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