Thursday, August 21, 2014

A bad morning - DH's perspective

"Fucker," she said as I walked out the door.  I couldn't quite believe I had heard her correctly.  I walked out to my car and put my backpack in the passenger seat, and got the garbage out.  The door thumped close behind me.  She was pissed!  I walked back into the house, and asked her if she had said something as I walked out.

"No, nothing," she said sarcastically.  And then, "Yeah, I called you a fucker!"  She made me coffee in a mug without a lid, and then literally pushed me out the door so that most of it spilled.

WTF??

It wasn't that she called me a fucker in front of the kids.  Our German nephew doesn't even speak English that well, so I'm sure he didn't even understand.  But Julia and I had rules about arguments - we don't call each other names, or hit each other (you know, basic domestic violence issues), and our TRUST stems from that. Until today, I would have claimed that she would NEVER call me a fucker.  Ever.

She's really been in pain.  Her back has not been getting better despite all of the exercises she's been doing.  I've been powerless to help.  Before she got up, I complained that I didn't work out last night in my shed.  She immediately went off on how I would rather spend time out there then with her.  I seriously think that she has been harboring these feelings, and it just bubbled out today. It's alarming to me that she feels this way, really feels this way, and it's been hidden just under the surface.

I spent my 1.5 hours in my car on the way into my treadmill job, where I'm not advancing, just had a review with absolutely NO increase in benefits, stock, or (what we really need), PAY, thinking about what I could do differently, or how I could change my behavior to better suit Julia.  But then, the realization that my trust in her has been greatly eroded set in: I think of name-calling like that to be equivalent to me striking her.  And not on the bottom, either.  I've got an issue of my own, it seems.

If Julia doesn't delete this post, I guess I'm interested in feedback.  How do you repair trust?  Why should I even go home tonight?  I'm definitely thinking I"m going out for dinner here in Seattle.  Maybe somewhere nice.  Maybe I'll have a lovely drink with dinner too.  God.

Well, it's almost 10:00 am.  My phone is going to ring in a minute with my recruiter, who may have some ideas for other jobs that might turn out to be a little more fulfilling.  What a day.

8 comments:

  1. We all have our days, today happens to be one of yours and Julia's. Sorry you hate your job and that your recruiter came through with a good possibility.

    I think that going home tonight before dinner and taking Julia out to dinner will be much better than you going out alone and not coming home until later. It won't solve the problem.

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    1. Hi Leigh, thanks for your comment. Yeah, I know I should really do that, it's just so hard. I can't just take her out, you know what I mean? Part (maybe a HUGE part) of our problems is that we are 6 people living in our house. That's a big dinner lol! But I know I'll go home and try to work this out. At some point.

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  2. DH,
    I have a so much to say. First of all, your LOVE is the reason you will go home (but you already know this I think). Those little issues that build on top of old little issues, on top of other old little issues can bubble over and explode. Sometimes out of nowhere it seems. But like you said, she probably has been feeling it for a bit.

    It's hard to be open to hear your partner when you are frustrated yourself. My honest thought is that you two will address the problems separately. Yes, you have to both trust that the basic agreements are followed, but you need to hear Julia out and why/how she got to that point.

    My Man did his first comment/post on my blog the other day and he said his perspective very well. "This is going to be a lifelong learning process on how to learn/earn the right to be in this lifestyle. There are going to be times when signals are missed. Men and woman are different." It sounds so basic but so very true. We communicate so very differently and sometimes we are WAY off from one another.

    Saying that I love this blog cheapens what I truly mean. I love the care and honesty you both have. I love the updates from Julia that are often soon followed by your HOH point of view. You are both so committed in your hearts to each other that even on a bad morning day....I can see it.

    I hope you both find your much needed connection tonight.

    XOXO Pearl

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    1. Hi Pearl, thank you so much for your very kind words. I'm still working on the connection part, but I am home. Your Man is right: men and women are really different. But it's the caring part that (usually) overcomes it. :)

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  3. Sometimes no matter how much we love and respect each other, we lose our temper and say things in the moment. It can be easier to hurt the one we love the most because we know they will be there for us. I don't mean unforgivable hurts... You said this wasn't normal for you both, which says so much about her frustration and pain etc...I'm sure she- now- feels awful that she turned her upset on you.
    We have all had these moments in our marriages or relationships.
    I agree you need to find some way to do something for you both....but go home... Kiss each other without words. It makes everything better!

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    1. She does. Feel awful that is, But like you said Minelle, I have been going over this in my head all day, and I don't know if I could have reacted any different this morning if I were to go back in time.

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  4. I read both posts and am so sorry you had such a crappy start to the day. It's so true that we hurt the ones we love the most ... because they will still be there. Sometimes our frustrations just reach boiling over point.

    I know you will find a way to put this behind you and find each other again.

    ((Hugs))
    Roz

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    1. Hi Roz - you were so right. :) We spent all last night finding each other ;).

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