Thursday, April 16, 2015

Yearning - a Feeling of Intense Longing

I was a little surprised to read DH's post yesterday since this topic has been a very personal one for the both of us. Lately, as life is just flying by and is lived to the fullest, I have really noticed how much I am actually starting to miss my family in Germany. Over the years, I have not always felt this way, but I think having endless troves of visitors coming over let me be able to see most of the people  I missed in one way or another. But I miss the little things, holidays all together, impromptu breakfasts, and the fact that I still feel like I am missing out has made me realize that maybe we should pack it all up and move to Germany. But of course, money...it sure was cheaper when I came here, two suitcases with my most prized possessions. Easy.

Before starting ttwd, having any type of serious discussion about serious things always left me feeling on the defensive, and I think the same for DH. Thanks for ttwd, that is no longer the case. We talk. All the time. About everything. Even though we don't do as much spankings as we could, I think we have found that sweet spot that works for both of us. He spanks me sometimes, but our whole dynamic is different.

In 2008, after having our second child, we decided that we were done having kids, and of course as DH said in yesterday's post, the recession had a big impact on that decision. Hard to imagine wanting more children if you are having trouble paying the current mortgage payment. But lately, as the economy seems to have caught itself, DH has found good work, and I have reached my thirties, I feel like something, or somebody is missing.

I always saw myself with a husband, two little girls, but since we started ttwd, I have had such a big yearning to have a boy with DH. The way ttwd has changed not only our dynamic, but has restored my husband's confidence in himself, has left me wanting to have a boy, to nurture him, but to also see him grow and mature into a man. Like other things in my life, I can almost feel this to be our path, and yet, getting pregnant is no longer as easy as it used to be. DH will have to get 're-attached', and operation that is of course not covered by insurance. Money...again.

So for now, we are starting to work on the house more, getting all these little projects done that have been waiting around for way to long. I have had a few odd jobs here and there, translating English documents to German. Everything we can is being saved up. But in a weird way, that is okay. Making us wait like this, is giving us a chance to really think this through, and we will mean to get pregnant. If everything works out. Cross your fingers!

8 comments:

  1. Hi Julia, sending positive thoughts that things work out the way you both want them to.

    Our family moved to New Zealand from England when I was very young. We therefore grew up apart from our extended family. I always wondered what it would be like to have grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins close.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Roz,

      You know exactly what I am talking about then. I grew up with two sisters, but no cousins or uncles, so now that we are the uncles and aunts to nephews and nieces, I feel like I am missing it! I always wanted to have that growing up, and am starting to wondering why it took me so long to realize it.

      Thanks Roz.

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  2. I hope you both are able to get what you want the most. :D

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  3. I hope things work out the way they should for you guys. The open conversations are the best part of TTWD.

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    1. Thank you Minelle, and they really are. The way ttwd has brought us closer together is something I still marvel at and treasure for sure.

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  4. Julia, you and DH deserve all the amazing things you want in life. You two have a tremendous love and I agree with Minelle, the open communication is such an amazing gift!!

    I am excited to hear what each day brings for your (growing?) family =)

    XOXO Pearl

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