Sunday, May 17, 2015

Busy with Myself

Last Friday, for what felt like the first time in a really long time, I burst into dance while preparing pizzas for our Friday Pizza ritual and listening to music (song below).

It seems like such a long time that I have done it and have definitely missed it too. Chronic pain really does take all the joy out of life and I am so glad I am already at a point where I can see that.

But with this diagnosis has also come the realization that many of the things that have shaped me into who I am were because of this undiagnosed condition I have had ever since I can remember. And my own mother can't even remember the incident or the time around it. I know I am good at handling pain quietly, but I thought of that more as a recent development. Now looking back, not even my sister remembers the events I was describing, or me being in pain for weeks as a child.

DH asked me last night why we aren't having any sex, as I was lying naked in his arms, and I told him about this journey of mine. I have been very busy with myself it seems, with my body, doing exercises (correctly), but also just movements of daily living. But my mind has been busy too,chewing through all types of memories I have of people making me feel unsporty, fat, not very active, or even insinuating I was faking my back pain to get out of exercising.

But lying there in his arms, I came to  the realization that it really doesn't matter anymore what these people said. Its been so freeing to let go and be myself while kind of reteaching myself how to move correctly. Looking back usually doesn't help, and I have noticed that being stuck in the past can feel like a negative thinking loop, kind of pre-programmed and never leading anywhere new or even useful.
And then we did have sex. :D

So forward it is!

And btw, Renee was so kind and hosted DH on her blog today! So if you have a moment, please go over there and check out her blog, she is one of my favorite authors when it comes to spanking stories. :D



8 comments:

  1. Julia, so insightful. The past can guide our future but we certainly cannot lament about it. We have to move on and you have to do what is best for you. Keep taking care of yourself. Wishing you many more great days ahead. K

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  2. You courage in the face of the pain you've dealt with has been awe inspiring. I am SO GLAD the chiropractor is helping! I love you.

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    1. Well, hopefully I want have to THAT awe inspiring again....:)

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  3. Great post Julia. So glad you are letting go and moving forward. It's awesome to hear you were dancing again and I really hope things continue to improve.

    I have read DH's post on Renee's blog. Wonderful excerpt!

    Hugs
    Roz

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  4. <3 So glad you're getting help for your back!! And I loved that song-- thanks for sharing. I always find new music ideas from you!

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    1. Thanks Renee, and you are not the only one that enjoys finding new music through me, I always love sharing good finds!

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