Thursday, August 4, 2016

Rough patch

Hi, DH here.  I'm going through a bit of a personal rough patch, and I really feel like I don't have anyone to talk to.  So, dear reader, you are my ear tonight, even if in the end, I'm only writing this to read myself.

Julia is doing great.  Her due date is getting very close, and we are preparing the house (and the girls) for our new arrival.  Some things seem so familiar: The changing table, decorating the nursery, getting a stroller, and thinking about buying diapers (disposable all the way, sorry, I don't think they even make safety pins anymore).  She's tired more often now, so I frequently get up before she's awake, and sleep long after she's gone to bed.  It's time to start planning our trip to the hospital, and preparing for contingencies in case I'm at work, or the baby comes faster than we're expecting.

In many ways, I feel much more connected to Julia and our unborn baby than I did the last two times around.  The other night, she said I fell asleep with my hand on her tummy, feeling the baby move.  She woke me up last night and grabbed my hand - that kid was doing gymnastics!   Julia said she's never been woken up by constant movement before, that was a first.  Every time she's invited me, I've wanted to feel our child moving under her skin, and I've been telling her every single day how beautiful she is (really!), and how proud I am to be the Papa of our child.

And yet... I feel like it's not enough.  Like I'm not doing enough, or haven't done enough, or that what I have done has gone unnoticed, unwanted, or all for nought.  It's probably the stress of having another baby (this makes 5 for me), or maybe the combination of not having a vacation in a LONG while, plus the frantic work I've been doing to marshall our finances, such as refinancing our house (tip: including the CEO's email address when you feel like your "representative" dumped you can really speed things along :-D ).   I have this unending feeling of dire dread in the pitt of my gut, and I can't sleep or eat because of it, and I am just a skosh edgy as well.

Work is the same.  I got into a verbal argument with someone today, who demanded to know why I wasn't doing things his way.  I don't report to him in any way, but I did try to answer his questions, he just wasn't liking my answers (or me).  It's the first time in my professional career when someone has just walked out on me.  Now, just to add to all the fun, I am seriously looking for a new job.  Hope I can get insurance before the baby comes!  Right?  Wish me luck on my phone interview at 9:30 am Monday morning.

UGH.  My friend at work says, "Be less angry."  Julia says, "Be less angry."  But no one is interested in what I have to say, or how I'm feeling.  Just... keep bringing home the cash, keep doing every stupid thing they say at work, and keep my feelings to myself.

I keep thinking karma will catch up with me at some point.  You know how bad people do bad stuff, and you see it, and you think, "Ooooo, karma's gonna get you someday...."  Yeah, I pretty much only do GOOD stuff, so I keep thinking the other way - I'm going to get rewarded!  Lol.  I gave up my window seat for my colleague (we work on the 31st floor of a building with a really nice view, so it means something), and the deal was that we would get our cubes re-configured.  Nope.  Nothing.  It's been 2 weeks now.  Money didn't fall out of the sky either, and now the same guy is telling me to be less angry.  Hmm.  Next time he can move to the garage with his red Swingline stapler.

I haven't written in 2 months, and I basically feel like giving up on my writing career that isn't going anywhere anyway.  Every year I get older, I realize that any dreams I may have had are now encapsulated in a 401K with a 10K balance.  I'm certain I'll be forced to retire before our youngest is 18, so I'm thinking of a new career that doesn't have an age limit, like maybe Old Man of the Sea, or stand-in stunt double for Keanu Reeves.  Those are my only choices.  :-D

I know, I know, y'all are like, welcome to my life!  I get it.  But maybe you have someone to talk to about it, and I just need a big, internetty friend right now.

Even if it's just myself.