Thursday, August 4, 2016

Rough patch

Hi, DH here.  I'm going through a bit of a personal rough patch, and I really feel like I don't have anyone to talk to.  So, dear reader, you are my ear tonight, even if in the end, I'm only writing this to read myself.

Julia is doing great.  Her due date is getting very close, and we are preparing the house (and the girls) for our new arrival.  Some things seem so familiar: The changing table, decorating the nursery, getting a stroller, and thinking about buying diapers (disposable all the way, sorry, I don't think they even make safety pins anymore).  She's tired more often now, so I frequently get up before she's awake, and sleep long after she's gone to bed.  It's time to start planning our trip to the hospital, and preparing for contingencies in case I'm at work, or the baby comes faster than we're expecting.

In many ways, I feel much more connected to Julia and our unborn baby than I did the last two times around.  The other night, she said I fell asleep with my hand on her tummy, feeling the baby move.  She woke me up last night and grabbed my hand - that kid was doing gymnastics!   Julia said she's never been woken up by constant movement before, that was a first.  Every time she's invited me, I've wanted to feel our child moving under her skin, and I've been telling her every single day how beautiful she is (really!), and how proud I am to be the Papa of our child.

And yet... I feel like it's not enough.  Like I'm not doing enough, or haven't done enough, or that what I have done has gone unnoticed, unwanted, or all for nought.  It's probably the stress of having another baby (this makes 5 for me), or maybe the combination of not having a vacation in a LONG while, plus the frantic work I've been doing to marshall our finances, such as refinancing our house (tip: including the CEO's email address when you feel like your "representative" dumped you can really speed things along :-D ).   I have this unending feeling of dire dread in the pitt of my gut, and I can't sleep or eat because of it, and I am just a skosh edgy as well.

Work is the same.  I got into a verbal argument with someone today, who demanded to know why I wasn't doing things his way.  I don't report to him in any way, but I did try to answer his questions, he just wasn't liking my answers (or me).  It's the first time in my professional career when someone has just walked out on me.  Now, just to add to all the fun, I am seriously looking for a new job.  Hope I can get insurance before the baby comes!  Right?  Wish me luck on my phone interview at 9:30 am Monday morning.

UGH.  My friend at work says, "Be less angry."  Julia says, "Be less angry."  But no one is interested in what I have to say, or how I'm feeling.  Just... keep bringing home the cash, keep doing every stupid thing they say at work, and keep my feelings to myself.

I keep thinking karma will catch up with me at some point.  You know how bad people do bad stuff, and you see it, and you think, "Ooooo, karma's gonna get you someday...."  Yeah, I pretty much only do GOOD stuff, so I keep thinking the other way - I'm going to get rewarded!  Lol.  I gave up my window seat for my colleague (we work on the 31st floor of a building with a really nice view, so it means something), and the deal was that we would get our cubes re-configured.  Nope.  Nothing.  It's been 2 weeks now.  Money didn't fall out of the sky either, and now the same guy is telling me to be less angry.  Hmm.  Next time he can move to the garage with his red Swingline stapler.



I haven't written in 2 months, and I basically feel like giving up on my writing career that isn't going anywhere anyway.  Every year I get older, I realize that any dreams I may have had are now encapsulated in a 401K with a 10K balance.  I'm certain I'll be forced to retire before our youngest is 18, so I'm thinking of a new career that doesn't have an age limit, like maybe Old Man of the Sea, or stand-in stunt double for Keanu Reeves.  Those are my only choices.  :-D

I know, I know, y'all are like, welcome to my life!  I get it.  But maybe you have someone to talk to about it, and I just need a big, internetty friend right now.

Even if it's just myself.

18 comments:

  1. Hi DH, I am sorry, it is really hard to be less angry sometimes.Mostly how you feel relates to the job. Having to do a job you aren't happy in is a huge deal, adding to it the responsibility of another mouth to feed and it is no wonder you feel like you do. Good luck for the interview and fingers crossed something better comes along soon. As to the writing maybe that will happen when everything else settles down
    love Jan, xx

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    1. Hi Jan, yep! I really do think the negativity at work is spilling over into our lives. We had a 50% layoff, and the lucky people left behind get to do 50% more work. Yikes. And I haven't totally given up on writing, it's just hard to even think about right now... :| Thanks for your comment!

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  2. DH I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch. Stay positive and I'm sure things will improve. Good luck with your interview, hopefully if you get the new job things will be better.
    Maybe every expectant dad feels this way when the baby is almost due. Can you talk to any mates? Have you tried talking to Julia?
    Hope you don't give up writing as I want to see where this story goes.
    Hugs Lindy

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    1. Hi Lindy - thank you! I am trying to stay positive (OK, lately I've been trying to GET positive, lol), and I really like the place I'm interviewing at so far, could be really fun. As for talking, I don't really have any friends going through this right now, and Julia just doesn't want to talk about it. :)

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  3. A new mouth to feed and diaper soon, a job that is mostly frustration...now wonder you feel as you do. Julia is in the 'nesting' stage, concentrating on that new addition .....all of this too shall pass. Lots of luck with that interview...
    hugs abby

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    1. She is absolutely nesting right now! You are so right. :) Thank you, I'm going to give the interview my absolute best.

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  4. Hi DH, sorry you are going through a rough patch. I agree with everyone else, the stress of the job and new baby it's no wonder you feel that way. Wishing you all the best and lots of luck for the interview.

    Hugs
    Roz

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  5. I'm sorry you are stuck in a rough patch. Writing comes and goes in waves, so I find.
    Good luck with the interview.
    hugs DF

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    1. Thanks, DelFonte, I keep waiting for the next wave, stuck in the trough as it were. ;)

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  6. Sorry about the rough patch. It's something that occurs to all of us and although it's tough to get through them, we do. Good luck on your phone interview - hope it turns out the way you want. Glad Julia is doing well.

    You can rant here anytime - we'll listen.

    As for writing, I don't think any of us are getting wealthy or even close.

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    1. Hi Leigh, the phone interview was a bust, I'm sorry to report, but I am feeling much better, even though our prospects haven't changed. Thanks a lot for your comment, sorry to be so slow in responding.

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  7. I am so sorry you are under such stress! Even happy things like a new life coming into the world or a new job can be stressful because of the big changes that come along with it.

    I don't know if this will help or not, but when I am angry or stressed, I go all in thinking about what I want to happen and I don't feel at all guilty about anything I think: so the guy who you switched places with comes in to find his cubicle demolished or set on fire or the window in the building gets covered over or they put a new building in which totally blocks the view, or you get a promotion to office location decider and you send him to the basement next to the dumpster. The guy who walked out on you, trips on the carpet and breaks both his legs or gets demoted to the mail room.

    Or perhaps you get a new job at double your salary and you drive away in your new Ferrari.

    For me, it doesn't matter how likely this things are to happen or how quickly or even that I would feel horrible if they really did, what matters is that I totally revel in the fantasy. Then the next time I see that person, I can grin evilly and think about how lucky they are that I use my powers for good.

    I don't know if it will work for you, but it always makes me feel better!

    Good luck on the interview!

    Cygnet

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    1. Hi Cygnet! Thanks so much for your comment. My situation at work has become even more dire (if that's possible), but I do feel better. I got a huge chuckle out of the fantasy situations you described - I have to be careful, though: the line between fantasy and reality bend easily for me, and what can start as imagination can end in "Hulk smash!" for me in a heartbeat. :-D

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  8. I do so wish I could reach out and hug the both of you right now. Since you've got health insurance right now would you please consider getting some lab tests done just to make sure this isn't something chemical that can be easily corrected? You'd be shocked at how easily something as simple as a low vitamin D level can alter your perspective and make you feel this way. Same with thyroid levels---it can wreak havoc and fill you with an overwhelming sense of despair and anxiety.

    Not that you don't have a lot on your plate to feel this way about.... But what if?

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    1. Hi Anonymous! Thanks for your comment! You know, I did visit my Dr., and I am feeling much better. My situation hasn't improved, but I am feeling much more hopeful, and more in control of my feelings. :)

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